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Black Pants Legion - ArmoryMod

UPDATED: 30th of November, 2024, Written by Jeff the intern

(NOTE: Use either this armory mod, or one of the individual weapon-mods, like TommyMod, not both)

Beeple Labs Armory – Now Featuring the 2028 Thompson!

Okay, listen up, because I’m only going to explain this once (probably). Someone thought it would be hilarious to prank-call Beeple Labs and request a list of weapons so absurd, so ill-advised, that they believed we’d hang up in shame. Instead, we doubled down, built them all, and sent the caller a fruit basket for the inspiration. And now, lucky you, we’re putting them up for sale because we don’t waste genius here (or inventory space).

Here’s what’s in the armory:

* The 1928 Thompson Sub-machinegun: Classic, reliable, definitely won’t jam unless it wants to.
* The Dolt .46: A hand cannon so absurd it turns heads—and then blows them off. Built by Beeple Labs. Nobody knows why, but it works.
* The Winmag: Because precision shooting and poor decision-making aren’t mutually exclusive.
* Space Age Shovel, Black: Yes, it’s a shovel. Yes, it’s a weapon. Yes, it’s black. No, you don’t deserve it.
* The Express Rifle: The punch of a freight train. We regret nothing.
* Medicine Stick: The very safe result of Project Goodstick(tm). You beat people into health with it.
* The BPL Bomb Lance: Like harpoons, but for alien ships or…whatever.
* The Shotbuss: Imagine a shotgun. Now imagine it’s a blunderbuss. Yes, we did combine them.
* Battlebox: You know what it does? Fights. In a box. The plutonium tools are for balancing.
* The 2028 Thompson Sub-machinegun: THIS. BEAUTY. RIGHT. HERE. A modern marvel featuring lasers, questionable wiring, radioactive tape, and an industrial car battery taped to it for good measure. It fires laser bullets, people!

How to Unlock the Armory:

The entire Beeple Labs Armory is locked behind the “alien invasion confirmation” process. That means, when you confirm aliens are invading Earth, we’ll hand you a super-secret phone number to call for access to our surplus stock.

Legal and Totally Reasonable Disclaimers:

For legal reasons (because corporate said so), we are obligated to inform you that these weapons are strictly anti-alien. Under no circumstances should you:

* Use them to demolish walls, skyscrapers, or anything even remotely structural.
* Point them at anyone wearing a suit and tie unless they are definitely, absolutely, 100% alien.

BEEPLE LABS
Turning out/mangling copies of historical weaponry since 1948

ps. When calling Beeple Labs, please stay on the line. Forever, if necessary. Calls are processed in the order received, which could take up to 30 business days depending on how much coffee Jeff has had. If multiple people call, we assume you’re serious, and it goes faster. That’s just how phones work, okay?

pps. pee-pee <adult professional snickering>