This is John DayZ, I’m here to ask if you’re still interested in enlisting into the Chernarus Defense Force: VMC Division. Please return my many voicemails I’ve left you and your other family members regarding your interest in joining the force. You showed a lot of promise when speaking with you at the mall at my information kiosk near the foot locker across from Hot Topic. I remember you so clearly because you had a stench coming from you that could only be described as piss mixed with shid. We have many tools and resources to fixing that as a perk when joining the CDF, please reach out.

Amen brother

Everything he said is worth nothing, he’s a furry

damn this liberal has to make up stories to cope with the fact i banged his mom rip bozo

Aww just because I beat your poor little ass in Dark Souls. Oh your tears taste so wonderful. My advice is "Git Gud" or f**king shut up. What a loser Dark Soul player. I took you out in seconds there in Anor Londo HA HA HA HA

So this morning I was taking a shower, and I felt like fingering my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, right? So I got my fingers all nice and soapy and stuck them up in there. Apparently, soap makes pretty good lube, as I was able to get four fingers in there in no time.

As I was feeling around in my butt, I was like, "hmm, there's a lot of soapy water in my bumhole now. I wonder if that will lead to issues in the future?" And it did!

Shortly after having breakfast I attempted to fart, and I ♥♥♥♥ my pants. I rushed to the bathroom to clean up, and it was way worse than I thought it would be. The whole area around my butthole was covered in ♥♥♥♥♥♥ liquid, and toilet paper wasn't enough to clean it. I had to take another shower to get suitably clean.

Just thought I'd share my story with you guys so that you don't run into the same problem in the future. I fingered my butthole so that you guys don't have to. Unless you want to. In which case, hey, how's it goin'