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报告翻译问题

A big question indeed! How is one supposed to sneak a legendary man named Tex to a party in the island pacific~? And how does one convince him to name a level of the wedding pizza~? Oh noes~ Only time will tell in the far future~ Myeheheh~
P.S. no wedding in the near future~ But there will be in the far one~
And the expirience compiled by an undefined natural law by these grea/tg/uys! The list of much traditions long before electronic entertainment at home!