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报告翻译问题

A big question indeed! How is one supposed to sneak a legendary man named Tex to a party in the island pacific~? And how does one convince him to name a level of the wedding pizza~? Oh noes~ Only time will tell in the far future~ Myeheheh~
P.S. no wedding in the near future~ But there will be in the far one~
And the expirience compiled by an undefined natural law by these grea/tg/uys! The list of much traditions long before electronic entertainment at home!
which also means: GOOD LUCK! We're trying to pass our gifts through our monitors to you!
We will miss you Tex, had it not for toretold, best be forever with our cupcake mold. from all of us who wished to help but alas, we lack the things to be felt. moreorso, the times and moments we all spent with the following carts, we all mean it when we say from the bottom of our hearts
Merry Christmass and happy advanced new year, Tex... May your wishes be true as light, for he who who has sight!
Farewell Tex, We will miss you from the bottom of our hearts! (For now)
Give us children your candy! it is the law!
(The police Aren't going to believe i am a robot forever)
We love thou,
you love us,
we're all best friends to keep,
With a great big jug and a gun for thee,
Won't you Raid ponyville with me!
~Hugs and Kisses, Luna of the Moon & Lunatic of House NIEN
P.S. Tell Jack we said hi! ^^
Fighting a war is hard work and all, the men are seasoned for combat, a gathering of assaults is coming, i fear it could be soon. "He who fights monsters..." it's a pretty nice way for it. Ever so loyal to one's cause "... must ensure he does not become a monster himself!" that very fact frightens me to no end, over that gate were they conspire safety among the weary. i am turning into one... that one, it is no joke. soon i shall travel to lands with few mocking faces of magic. i hope this can reach you, i fear it may be too late for me. ample supplies are on route.
Your Faithfull friend,
Lunatic.