Does ANYONE know how to even get a merchant so you can bind them???? like seriously ANYONE???

Go to a kiiro settlement while allied, you will have buttons for inviting merchants next to the trade button.

how does one accept the merchant confirmation? i dont know

Click on the letter, click Accept in the window that opens. Note that it can take a couple days for the merchant to arrive after confirmation. If you dismiss the letter the confirmation is rejected.

Oh and after recruitment in town the kiiro will take a couple of days to send the actual confirmation letter, the message for recruitment is the same whether or not the recruitment is succesful.

Overall:
Go to settlement (make sure to have a decent amount of silver) -> investigation button (optional) -> recruitment button -> wait a few days -> confirmation letter (blue notification) -> left click the letter -> click accept -> wait a few days -> merchant arrives