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The Company Cruiser

The Company Cruiser from Lethal Company is here!

To: Valued Employee #██-███
From: The Company
Subject: Allocation of Corporate Transport Resource

Dear Employee,

It has come to the esteemed attention of The Company that your continued survival rate has exceeded preliminary profit expectations. For this, we extend our most enthusiastic acknowledgment of your ability to remain alive just long enough to remain useful. Truly, you have been a great asset to The Company™.

In recognition of this, effective immediately, you are being provisioned with a Company Cruiser™ Brand Utility Truck. This cutting-edge, structurally adequate vehicle has been designed to transport both salvageable goods and employee remains with efficiency and cost-effectiveness. Please take pride in this opportunity to drive something larger than yourself, as it signifies that The Company has briefly decided you are worth more alive than dead.

However, as per Policy Directive 44-B, Section 3 (Subsection “Irreversible Mishaps”), you are reminded that:

Any and all damage to the Company Cruiser™ will be considered a breach of loyalty.

“Damage” includes, but is not limited to: scratches, dents, catastrophic implosions, collisions with fauna, collisions with you, sudden combustion, gradual combustion, suspicious odors, or the act of looking at it incorrectly.

Consequences of damage include: immediate termination, posthumous wage reduction, and/or mandatory reallocation of your organs into more responsible employees.

We trust that you will operate this valuable asset with the same enthusiasm and blind obedience that you have so far displayed. Remember: the Cruiser is not your vehicle. It is The Company’s vehicle. You are merely permitted to sit inside it until further notice.

We look forward to your continued service, profit acquisition, and overall expendability.

Yours in Profit,
The Company