Have you ever grown envious of the ocean's endless bounty of claw meats? Ever witnessed a Spycrab and just thought to yourself "I wish I, a mere human, could achieve such evolutionary heights but without the back-breaking labour of whatever it is crabs do?" Then you, dear reader, are in luck!

We at Mann Co.'s Experimental Genetics Division are proud to announce your first step in becoming what God himself admits was the perfect creature all along: the Crab! By contracting us to carefully inserting the entire crab genome into your face (with the latest in teleporter technology!) you too can begin to develop pincers where your hair used to be!

Impress your monkey friends by picking things up without need of your lips!

Be astounded at your disgusting face-claws' remarkable ability to grow back when shaved!

Scream in agony at the incompatible blood that now flows with abandon throughout most of your skin!

Warning: Mann Co. does not guarantee complete isolation to your upper lip. Observe the Mann Co. Crust-Stache-An Course(tm) at your peril. Mann Co. claims no responsibility for any moral or legal incursions drawn by the consumption of human-crab meat.