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报告翻译问题

United Kingdom (Great Britain)
You mean the man who’s been “playing” Elden Ring so slowly it feels like a live‑action documentary. You’ve been in Limgrave so long the wildlife probably pays you rent. Your progress is so painfully slow FromSoftware might patch in a mobility scooter just for you. At this rate, you’ll finish Elden Ring the same week the sequel drops.
And Rocket League? Watching you “rotate” is like watching a fridge attempt ballet. Every time you chase the ball, the universe hesitates out of concern. Your aerials have the elegance of a brick thrown by someone who’s never thrown anything. Even the ball avoids you out of second‑hand embarrassment.
Your reactions are so delayed I’m convinced your gameplay is delivered by carrier pigeon.
For your birthday, do the gaming world a favour: take a break. Maybe finish Elden Ring before the heat death of the universe.
Then one day last year (23 at the time) I was like hey I wonder how strong my legs are because I’m generally fit but nothing crazy. Got a free trial at a gym an leg pressed 300kg
Turns out biking almost everyday for most of your life really helps (I loved to go fast too so I’d always pedal hard)