decieved
incapable of truer feelings, less selfish feelings
running on an unfelt unaware awareness, yet tracked, anaylzed
sad at how much more beautiful life would've and could've been, and all it took was what
love, optimism, transparency
lots of money?
blaming others
feeling constantly over-seen, overexposed, with a lack of explanation as to understand
even when i understand, i still dont get it, i still dont comprehend, i just end up paranoid and scared
like im not supposed to feel for my mislived youth
feelings in me that are and arent me, fainter than they were anyway, any intuition from youth is passed on to the young and unabashed, unburdened, not yet traumatized, ripe for exploitation
blaming people with good intents i guess
profound seeming truths, truths? unable to be felt anything but shallowly

--in the ways i need, apparently undeserving of real life help
big data has the power to care but they choose to abuse me
or is it that i just can't open my heart to those ive been hurt by
im always the problem, not their actions
my life is a series of pushing feelings down and out and now i cant live with that, never could
Un-female-sexable
life prevented, identity stolen, denied
not worth saving, as apparent
failure to amend the type of care i need into the type of care (that isnt/wont be) provided
local fish stabbed by tree branch after believing it had to try and climb it
guess i just wanted to feel important, but not like this, with the way things have gone, and are
they're still treating my life like a scene and keeping their distance
couldnt see love if it smacked [redacted] upside the head
well matey ill see you topside--dances with mantarays on top of submarine underwater, then feels stupid about dancing
no, as long as im living and breathing they act like its no harm no foul done
but there's so much of me that is lost to depression and "lost opportunity" and internet abuse i fell into because it was everywhere, presented to me as results on searches and comments on posts
mad at me for some reason i couldnt understand or even believe, and hardly notice, but felt
waiting to be included in my own life, feeling selfish while unable to be
every moment of my life is a moment of being unable to be at all (missexed, misgendered)
and im supposed to act like im ok and fine
"death to boats"-sincerely whales
"ok enough of that i guess, sorry mates"
local AMAB doesnt wanna be a wide hipped lobster
plankton eats hologram food and talks to computer wife
misgendering myself unable to express myself
clowend on so hard it felt wrong to be soft, my bones wont change, i am exploited
jealous of others representing me without me
as long as hierarchy persists i will feel disincluded and exploited by it, or so i try to stay true and red?
how general of the word red are we talking here
breaking ground and breaking bones, gollum likes the juicy fish and dandies and red meat eaters
for organizational reasons hierarchy is?
i dont believe the tricks ive played on myself anymore, they made me see sense but they still exploited me



watching people exploit it isn't fun but they know that

doesnt matter now. the person i wanted to be with my perfect little plan to have trance be big when i was done being big and male and done with transition has failed miserably since getting fired and wasting time and letting them take everything i liked about me from me without me being free to be that myself

and pretending to be ok with it by pretending to be homophobic when i think that is beautiful its just not who i am

thanks a lot have a nice day :) hopefully starbucks will hire me back and i can try at my life again, this time, alone.

they did not hire me back. they denied my appeal and closed the case without explanation, just like their firing of me.

PROFILE PICTURE ART: Ken Wong