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i wuv you
-Springtrap (Party Rocking)

I recently went on vacation to Disney World with my family. It was a lot of fun until I went on Splash Mountain. There are a lot of animatronic animals on that ride that sing and dance before you go over a big drop at the end, and although most of these robotic animals are wonderful to watch as you float down the river, there was an animatronic fox that started addressing me by name halfway through the ride. He told me that he was going to marry my dad. He did that five times.

1. The Time The Animatronic Fox Made Eye Contact With Me
I was riding Splash Mountain, and the animatronic fox was doing his preprogrammed speech about how he wanted to catch the animatronic rabbit. The fox said, “Now’s our chance to set a trap for Br’er Rabbit!” Then it turned and looked me right in the eyes and said, “I’m going to marry your dad, Ryan.” Then the fox leaned in real close to my face, which I’m pretty sure it was not programmed to do, and he said, “Call me ‘Mrs. Dad,’ Ryan. I’m going to be your dad’s bride at his wedding.” Before he could say anything else, I had floated away from him to enjoy the rest of the magic of Splash Mountain.

2. The Time The Animatronic Fox Kept Talking About How Long The Wedding Would Take When He Married My Dad
The big drop at the end of Splash Mountain was so fun that I decided to get back in line and ride it again. I was having a blast listening to all the robotic animals sing and move around until the animatronic fox once again turned to me as I floated past. It started to say, “You sure done made a fool of yourself, Br’er Bear!” but about halfway through the line he trailed off, turned around, and said, “Welcome back, Ryan. I’m going to marry your religious dad and the wedding is going to take forever. Everyone’s going to talk so slow and your dad and I are going to kiss 100 times. Your dad is going to get down on his knees and thank Christ for making his wedding to the robot fox take so long.” I tried to tell the robotic fox that I didn’t want that to happen, but I had already floated away from him.

3. The Time The Animatronic Fox Told Me That He Was Going To Wear My Clothes When He Married My Dad
I had decided not to go on Splash Mountain anymore, but then I remembered how fun the big drop at the end was and I got back in line. I was hoping the animatronic fox would just do his clockwork movements and prerecorded lines, but instead he popped up out of the water in the middle of the ride and said, “Your dad is my fiancé, Ryan. I’m going to wear your shirts and your pants when I marry your dad. Your dad’s going to wear a wedding dress and we’re going to be bonded in the eyes of Christ. Enjoy the rest of Splash Mountain, Ryan.” After the ride, I told the Disney World employee working the line what had happened, and he just said, “That sounds bad.” But he didn’t do anything.