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报告翻译问题

My friend Nelex5000 is a bit shy, but he's an upstanding guy. He doesn't know what to say, the butterflies in his stomach won't go away. He has a big stomach. So I'm writing this in his place. He would love to meet a woman who can satisfy his hunger, in more than one way. He has a Highly Problematic Vexation, but that's okay because he is basically a millionaire on cs. Can one of you ekittens please introduce yourself to my friend (in DMs)?
Thank you,
cam