Write a humorous and over-the-top criminal profile for a person whose entire rap sheet is composed of hilariously minor and unsuccessful offenses. Describe their "crimes" with the gravity of a true crime documentary.


Master Heist: Successfully shoplifted a single, slightly rotten banana from a supermarket.

Cybercrime: Hacked a neighbor's unsecured Wi-Fi just to check the weather forecast faster.

Organized Crime: Led a secret syndicate (with their cat) that conspired to nap on forbidden couches.

Grand Theft Auto: "Stole" their friend's bicycle for a 5-minute joyride and then immediately returned it, feeling intense guilt.
The tone should be boastful yet clearly self-aware, painting a picture of a "villain" who is utterly harmless.



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