This game solved all my daddy issues in 40 minutes.

I had a friend before I played this game. A good friend. We'll call him Plankton, and he and I decided it would be fun to go through the levels of Hell and try to reach the pearly gates. I didn't think anything could get in the way of our friendship. I was wrong.

From the beginning of our adventure together, Plankton made remarks about how he regretted being chained to me. He called me a disappointment and claimed he wished I had never been born. By the time we hit the 35-minute mark, he had already started on the packet of smokes he kept by his PC. Little did I know that it would only get worse from there. I laughed every time I made a mistake. My thinking was that we were having a jovial and lighthearted session, and each laugh that left my lips was met with bitter disdain as his temper worsened and his mood soured.

He was already through an entire carton of cigarettes by the time we reached the city, and his cries of woe drowned out the screams I could hear coming from Hell as it faded from view. A sorrowful, groaning chorus of "Fin" was all that came from him every time we plummeted to the ground, and I realised that this was no longer fun for him. I did my best, I concentrated and I made my jumps. I saved him from certain death several times, and there was never even a whisper of thanks from his cold heart.

It was when we reached the final level that my heart truly broke. "This game ruins friendships." I am the only person he ever played this game with. How can the gates of Heaven be appealing when you don't even have a friend to go through them with?


(Time: 4hr 42min)