RID YOUR WALLETS OF ITS CASH

I was only 9 years old
I loved Steam so much, I had all the software and games
I pray to GabeN every night before bed, thanking him for the sales I've been given
"Steam is love" I say; "Steam is life"
EA hears me and calls me a ♥♥♥♥♥♥
I know he was just jealous of my devotion for Steam
I called him a ♥♥♥♥
He slaps me and sends me to go to sleep
I'm crying now, and my face hurts
I lay in bed and it's really cold
Suddenly, a warmth is moving towards me
It's GabeN
I am so happy
He whispers into my ear "This is my summer sale."
He grabs my wallet with his powerful portal guns and puts me down onto my hands and knees
I'm ready
I spread my wallet for Gabe
He penetrates my $100 bills
It hurts so much but I do it for Gabe
I can feel my wallet tearing as my eyes start to water
I push against his force
I want to please Steam
He roars in a mighty roar as he fills my wallet with his deals
EA walks in
Gabe looks him straight in the eyes and says "The sale's over now."
Gabe leaves through my window
Steam is love. Steam is life.