I believe this fedora belings to you, oh enlightened one.

The mere act of tipping a fedora has severe implications for both its wearer and the people around it, the effects of which are dictated by the rate of tipping.

For example: At 12 tips per second, an aura of Dorito dust and Dew musk can be summoned around the wearer, allowing him to continue to critically compromise the social comfort of those around him while defending him from the dismantling of his own stance, as well as providing a restorative effect for his misguided pursuits which may have to do with the augmentation of the stench of his over-applied cologne. Of course, this aura can be refined and redirected based upon the intended will of the wearer, to which the full extent of understood effects is unknown, and continues to be expanded upon by unfortunate field observations. This is simply a basic case, made on the premise of very widely understood and logically supported conventions.

However, at around 1 000 Hz tipping oscillation, things begin to get more strange, and the inherent abilities of the fedora become more apparent. At this rate of tipping, by the means of elementary social mechanics, it is widely supported that all other fedoras in a given radius begin to resonate violently, to the point that they are bound to be physically compromised. Nobody knows for sure what effect this would have on the poor victims of these spontaneously collapsing fedoras, but it is widely speculated that they may become shocked out of their euphoric wits and suddenly join the ranks of average people, brutally yanked from their positions of over-inflated self-importance. It is not yet determined what type of feedback this would ensue upon the source fedora—an answer which may not become even partially resolved until further advancement of regular quantum mechanics.

Now, based on all of this information, there is a very loosely-supported claim. It is not supported by any mechanics we currently understand, but it is the only currently standing explanation that can clarify the machinations behind the fedora’s inherent nature. If a fedora were to oscillate so fast that its speed, relative to its wearer, were to reach somewhere along the lines of 12 parsecs per second, experts have conceded that the wearer’s very waveform would collapse and may be likely to become the friendzone itself. Nobody can even fathom what sort of consequences this would bear on the very fabrics of reality, let alone the wearer. One thing is for certain, though. In order for the wearer to maintain his state as the friendzone, he would have to have enough pins mounted on his headgear to encompass a surface area somewhere along the magnitude of the surface area of something like 4 to 5 billion fedoras combined, easily requiring extreme folding and compartmentalization of space and time. It is unknown what kind of technology a fedora would have to incorporate to accomplish this feat—out of intense fear and dread, it is unlikely that we will ever come close to that determination.

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