Cyka Blyat Comrade!

*The TV screen would flash and static a few times before honing in on the station, most likely from the lack of Germanian engineering in the BRR*

Zdravstvuyte Comrades. Tonight, on the day of the reforming our beloved motherland, we have suffered our first attack. A coalition of Taliban, Feyhadeen, Mujahadeen, Al Qaeda, Iraqi-based insurgents, and Chechens have claimed responsibility for the infiltration of the Ministry, and the bombing of the capital building. The bombing killed several people and injured the personal aide of the Hannoverian Kaiser. Luckily, none of the Chief of Staff was present, and the little black child is to recover in two weeks.

The Kaiser has expressed extreme rage when speaking to the press about his personal assistant.
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"THOSE (Explicit name considing of having intercouse with one's own mother) (Slur pointed towards Muslim's headwear) ARE DAMNED LUCKLY THEY DIDN'T KILL HIM OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WOULD HAVE (Very violent statement here) TO THE LAST OF THEIR BLOODLINE! THE TROOPS IWILL HAVE STATIONED HERE WILL CONTAIN THE SITUTATION! IF THEY CAN'T DO THAT JOB, THEN WE WILL GET RID OF THE SOURCE UNTIL THE INFANTRYMAN'S (Slur for anus) WILL HAVE SAND POURING OUT, EXPANDING THE DESERTS!"
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The Federal Government has put out a statement saying that;
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"The problem will be dealt with. Swiftly and brutally."
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We hope to bring you more information in the days to come.

Censored by: The Parent's Orthodox League for Child Safety
Edited by: the Kaiser's Media Correspondent