I HEAR 2 PIT

Listen up, peasants of my social circle! I know, I know, it's hard to believe you all existed before I graced the planet with my glorious presence. But trust me, you did.

Look, I appreciate the constant praise, the hourly updates on how my existence brightens your day, and the interpretive dance routines chronicling my breakfast choices. It's truly heartwarming. But honestly, I'm starting to feel like a black hole, warping the very fabric of conversation around my magnificent event horizon.

So, for the love of all that is slightly less awesome than me, try this little experiment: talk about something, ANYTHING, that doesn't involve dissecting my every yawn or analyzing the philosophical implications of my shoelace color choice. Discuss the mating habits of the common goldfish, debate the moral implications of pineapple on pizza (wrong, by the way), heck, even play a vigorous round of "who can make the most embarrassing childhood story sound worse."

Just, for the briefest moment, let the universe revolve around something other than this celestial body of charisma you call me. It'll be good for you, I promise. And who knows, maybe I'll even learn something new about the fascinating world that exists outside the orbit of my sheer magnificence.

(P.S. If you need any tips on how to be more interesting, well, you know where to find me.)