I pay rent by watching paint dry for a living. That's right - I check how the colour of matt and emulsion change over time, and report on durability. My wife says this is a dead-end profession, but - due to the late-stage capitalist job market - another field of employment eludes me.

I earn £12.71 per hour. £0.89 of this can be conducive to many things; be it stock investment, a property ISA, or taking my family to Butlin's Bognor Regis. Every little helps. Instead, £0.89 of this cold, hard-earned money went towards the 2018 video game, Jack Is Missing, developed by Kevin Yang and published by SA Industry. This game made me - and my wife - truly appreciate the intellectual nuance of watching cobalt-blue paint dry into a gentle cerulean. It also made our sex life - after 40 years of marriage - seem considerably less insipid. In that sense, I don't know whether to say thank you or ♥♥♥♥ you. Probably the latter.