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Concern Hauler

Welcome, gentlemen, to the Consolidated Industrial Concern. Imperialist Regimes, Mega Corporations, Shipping Tycoons--you're here because you want the best, and we are it. So: Who is ready to haul some cargo?

Now, you already met one another on the shuttle ride over, so let me introduce myself. I'm Overseer Zeazonal. I own the place.

That eager hum you're hearing is the lovely Tower of Haskell, my ship. Rest assured, she has transferred cargo while still maintaining the emission standards of your choice. Isn't that right, Haskell?

She's the backbone of this industry. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's patented. For hauling!

They say great ships are built on the blueprints of giants. Not here. At the Concern, we do all our designs from scratch. No hand holding.

There's 20 million kilograms shipped every day here in the Haskell system. I can't personally oversee every one of them, so these Concern brand haulers'll cover any issues you might have, and respond to any incidents that may occur in the course of your shipping adventures.

Your production models will vary, depending on the manner in which you have bent the galaxy to your will.

Those of you in energy sector, just equip the Concern brand Battery Shipping Units [BSU]s to the hauler's cargo deck. What? Okay, I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.

Alright, the battery units may involve trace amounts of old world alchemy. So, word of advice: If you accidentally merge well your BSU to your hull, don't grind them down. Occult boys tell me that'll wipe out the power cells. Entirely. Turns them into solid steel! So do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome new unintentionally integrated battery bank just become a part of the aesthetic.

All of our Cargo Shipping Units [CSU]s are lined in asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the space rats. Let us know if your employees feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or their heart stopping. Because that's not part of the unit's functionality. That's asbestos.

Good news is, the med boys say the symptoms of space asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if they're thirty or older, they're laughing. Worst case scenario, they miss out on a few kicks of the old spaceball, plus YOU forwarded the cause of cargo unit development by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my AI's computational algorithm, it makes a happy face.

If you're in the fuel industry, it means you're in the market for our Hydrogen Shipping Units [HSU]s. The design boys say that under bullet fire the units might be susceptible to a thermal expansion reaction.

I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and broke open their LITTLE PINK HELMETS! That sounds like 'projection'.

THEY didn't subjugate a planet, monopolize an industry, or ship a quintillion tons of gold! No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, boys! And I like your grit! But seriously don't come under fire, though. Now let's ship some things!

Now, if you're part of the habitation and terraforming block, we developed a way to store 10 stations worth of oxygen in a space about the size of a normal unit. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but the Oxygen Shipping Units [OSU]s should be able to fill an entire spacestation with ease. If all the lights on it go blue, however, let everybody know, because that means the pressure is about to reach 0 psi, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that helmet on you pretty fast.

Those of you who volunteered to test our experimental Warhead Shipping Units [WSU]s, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing the release of those models indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better model for you: Accidental Minefield Removal Units [AMRU]s. Pick up a unit and follow the yellow unmanned sentry drone. You'll know when the product test starts.

Okay, alright, let's get started. This hauler model utilizes something the lab boys call 'shaped, gravity access gantries.'

You're not getting the beta version, by the way. You get the gravity. Last poor son of a gun got uncharged mag-boots. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - flew off into space. Tragic. But informative! Or so I'm told.

The marketing boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the beta version. They're telling me with the advent of jetpacks I oughtta stop making these gravity access gantries. That gave me an idea: make more gravity access gantries. I pay the bills here, I can add gravity access gantries all damn day.

Oh, in case you've experienced some slight damage to the cargo deck after using the auto-pull merge block bonding, here's some advice the design boys gave me: uhhh, DO NOT use the auto-pull merge block bonding.

We haven't entirely nailed down what kind of mag-pull technology is in it yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like light armor blocks. So, be careful. And bring a welder.

Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me. Design boys said I couldn't design a space ship where everything was accessible by foot. Did it anyway! Hydrogen is expensive.

Oh, and just a heads-up though: That upper mounting point on the units does allow stacking. However, there's a slight chance that doing so will permanently merge-weld the units together. Anyway, don't stress yourself and remember to turn off the upper merge blocks on the lower unit. I'm serious. Not doing so will actually trigger a weld.

Good design isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our ships systems only accessible outside the bridge? Why not marry optimized command bridges if you love them so much. In fact, why not invent a special optimized hangar door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because YOU ARE FIRED!

Not you, customers, it's just the help. Yes, YOU. Box. Your stuff. Out the air lock. Hangar. Shuttle. Goodbye. Ugh...

So at last I say congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing aboard your new ship means you've made a glorious contribution to shipping! And our company's bottom line.

As founder and CEO of the Consolidated Industrial Concern, I thank you for your patronage and hope we can count on your desires for more quality product.

We're not gonna release new stuff into the void until it's good and damn ready, so as long as you keep ahold of that position of wealth and power, there'll always be a shuttle waiting for you.

Say goodbye, Haskell. Ha ha! Isn't she is a gem?