Yo, so you wanna play this awesome game that'll make you the most AWESOME KID IN SCHOOL? OF COURSE YOU WOULD! THIS GAME IS THE SH*T, AND CHECK OUT THIS INTRO SPLASHSCREEN!

AWWW HELL, YOU KNOW THIS GAME'S GONNA BE THE TITS, SO LET'S GET INTO THIS ♥♥♥♥♥ LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW (and when you start playin' there WON'T be a tomorrow, people will be sendin' search squads wonderin' where you are!)

"But sh*t, I gotta make characters and sh*t?" I HEAR YOU CRY! WELL DON'T WORRY 'CAUSE I GOT YOU COVORED, JUST FOLLOW THIS GUIDE AND YOUR HEART, AND THIS B*TCH WILL BE BUTTER, AND YOU THE HOT KNIFE!

YO, SO YOU'LL SEE A BUNCH OF GUIDES TELLIN' YA THAT THEIR WAY IS THE WAY IT IS DONE!! WELL THOSE GUIDES ROCK AND YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM A LOOK, BUT YA GOTTA REMEMBER THAT YA NEED TO HAVE FUN TO BEAT THIS B*TCH! IF THEY TELL YA THAT YOU CAN'T WIN BECAUSE YOU WANTED YOUR BARBARINA TO FLING FIREBALLS AND FART THUNDERBOLTS, THEN PUNCH THEM IN THE D*CK AND DO IT ANYWAY!

YOUR WAY IS THE BEST WAY AND ONLY WAY TO PLAY THIS GAME, NERD! YOU AIN'T GONNA HAVE FUN IF YA DON'T MAKE IT YOUR B*TCH, SO DO JUST THAT. THAT BEING SAID, THIS GUIDE IS GONNA GIVE YA THE BASIC AND MOST BADA$$ ADVICE ON MAKING YOUR TEAM THE BEST TEAM THAT EVER WAS A TEAM!

SO BUCKLE DOWN AND GET READY FOR MY ASSESSMENT OF THE CHARACTER CREATION OF THIS B*TCH, AND RUN YA THROUGH WHAT YA NEED TO KNOW AS YA MAKE YOUR BADA$$ TEAM OF AWESOME!

I'M GONNA COVER:

• THE BADA$$ RACES
  
• THE D*CK PUNCHING CLASSES
  
• THE A$$ KICKING SKILLS
  
• AND THE HEAVY METAL TRAITS
  
• AND LET YOU DECIDE HOW YOU WANNA MAKE THIS GAME CRY FOR IT'S MOMMA!

NOW, HERE'S MY FIRST PIECE OF ADVICE! YOU'RE GONNA NEED FOUR DUDES, OR NOT! IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE SO BADA$$ THAT YOU CAN DO THIS WITH TWO DUDES, THEN GO FOR IT! GENERALLY, THOUGH, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TWO DUDES IN FRONT THAT MAKE THE ENEMY SCREAM IN TERROR, AND TWO DUDES IN THE BACK WHO CAN PUT OUT LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW. SO PUT THOSE TWO FRONT GUYS IN THE BIGGEST, MOST AWESOME CASES OF ARMOR, AND WATCH AS THEY LAUGH AT THE ENEMIES WHILE YOUR DUDES IN THE BACK PUMP OUT DAMAGE FOR NO EXTRA CHARGE! BUT DON'T THINK THE GUYS IN THE BACK HAVE ALL THE FUN, THROW A WEAPON ON THE GUYS IN FRONT AND LET THEM IN ON THE ACTION TOO, AND LET THE CRAZY FOURSOMES COMMENCE!

HERE'S THE CHARACTER CREATION SCREEN!

SO YOU GOT FEW SLOTS TO FILL, AND JUST LIKE ANY GOOD LOVER, YOU GOTTA FILL THEM IN THE BEST WAY YOU'RE COMFORTABLE WITH!

THE FIRST THING WE GOTTA DO TO FILL THOSE SLOTS, THOUGH, IS GET RACIST! SO LET'S START OFF WITH THE SMARMY-A$$, BADA$$ HUMANS! LOOK AT THIS GUYS F*CKIN' SMIRK! YOU KNOW HE GET'S ALL THE B*TCHES!

SO DON'T LET OTHER GUIDES GET YOU DOWN ABOUT HUMANS, THEY ARE ONE OF THE FIVE MOST BADA$$ RACES IN THIS GAME. ON TOP OF LEVELING UP FASTER THEN THE REST, THEY CAN ALSO GET AN EXTRA SKILL POINT, LEVEL UP FASTER AND DON'T SUCK AT ANYTHING. THIS MEANS THAT AT KEY POINTS IN THE GAME, YOUR HUMANS WILL BE THAT EXTRA BIT STRONGER THEN THE REST OF YOUR TEAM, GIVING YOU THAT EDGE TO MAKE THE GAME CRY. YOU CAN ALSO THROW THIS DUDE ANYWHERE AND HE'LL EXCEL! NEED A GUY UP FRONT, WHY NOT A HUMAN? NEED A GUY CASTING SPELLS? HUMANS ARE GOOD FOR THAT TOO! WANT TO MAKE THE FARMER CLASS WORK (I'll tell ya more about that later) THEN GO FOR THE BADA$$ HUMAN MAN! IF YOU EVER HESITATE ON WHAT YOUR DUDE SHOULD BE, THEN GO FOR THESE GUYS, THEY ROCK!



THEN WE GOT THE INSECTOIDS! THAT'S RIGHT, BADA$$ BUG PEOPLE FROM THE PLANET AWESOME! IF THESE GUYS'S UGLY MUG DON'T STRIKE FEAR INTO YOUR ENEMIES, THEN YOUR ENEMIES ARE DUMB, AND DESERVE WHAT THEY GET, JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY!

SO THESE GUYS HAVE A SLIGHTLY HIGHER STRENGTH AND WILLPOWER SO THAT THEY CAN BEAT THE PULP OUT OF THEIR ENEMIES, AND THEN SET FIRE TO THEM AFTERWARDS. NOT TO MENTION THAT THEY'RE LIMBS DON'T GET HURT NEARLY AS OFTEN SO THEY CAN TAKE A FALL LIKE A CHAMP AND A WHIMPY-A$$ WARG WILL HAVE A TOUGH TIME DISABLIN' YOUR BUG-MAN'S D*CK PUNCHING POTENTIAL! THESE GUYS MAKE GREAT ANYTHINGS, WHETHER IT BE CASTING SPELLS, SWINGING WEAPONS, OR BURNING YOUR ENEMIES WITH SICK REMARKS ABOUT THEIR MOTHERS, THESE GUYS DO IT ALL! AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEIR LOWERED VITALITY AND DEXTERITY, WITH HOW AWESOME THEY ARE, THEY LAUGH AT THOSE FLAWS AND ACCEPT THEM, ALLOWING THEM TO OVERCOME THEM THAT MUCH BETTER! DID I MENTION THEY CAN ATTACK QUICKER, AND BE TOUGHER THEN THE OTHER RACES AS WELL? BADA$$!!



NOW FOR THE ROCKIN' LIZARDMEN! THESE GUYS WILL MAKE YOUR DAY HAPPY, AND THE BAD GUYS DAY SHORT! LOOK AT THESE GUYS AND TELL ME YOU'D WANT TO MESS WITH THEM! (I am NOT sorry for any pants you have to replace because you just SH*T them!)

THESE GUYS ARE MORE DEXTEROUS THEN THE OTHER RACES (save for the ratlings) AT THE COST OF SOME OF THEIR WILLPOWER. OH WELL, THEY STILL MAKE BADA$$ MAGES! BUT WHAT'S BETTER IS THAT THESE GUYS GET ROCK A NATURAL TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT ELEMENTAL RESISTANCE!! THIS ONLY GETS BETTER WHEN YOU FIND OUT THEY HAVE A TRAIT TO ADD TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT MORE RESISTANCES ON TOP OF THAT, AS WELL AS REGEN STAMINA AND ENERGY FASTER! THESE GUYS EAT YOUR ENEMIES SPELLS FOR BREAKFAST, AND POLITELY ASK FOR SECONDS WHEN THEIR FINISHED WITH THEIR FIRST COURSE!



WE ALSO HAVE THE BIGGEST, MEANEST, MOST BADA$$ F*CKERS IN THIS GAME, THE MINOTUAR!
THESE MEAN, HORNY MOFOS ARE JUST MEANT FOR BASHING AND SLASHING. WITH A NATURALLY HIGH STRENGTH AND VITALITY, THE ABILITY TO GAIN EVEN MORE STRENGTH BY COLLECTING THE HEADS OF POOR SODS ON YOUR OWN LITTLE ISLAND (FORGET THAT LITTLE-SH*T OF A WIZARD, THIS ISLAND PARADISE IS AS GOOD AS YOURS!) THESE GUYS CAN EVEN TAKE A ROCK AND MAKE IT A DEADLY WEAPON! YEA, THEY MAY WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING THEY SEE BUT WHO'S GONNA STOP THEM? TOO BAD THEY HAVE HORRIBLE DEXTERITY AND CAN'T HIT THE BROAD SIDE OF A BARN, BUT THAT'S NOTHING A COUPLE OF POINTS IN THE ACCURACY SKILL WON'T FIX (and a few points in dexterity doesn't hurt either, nerd!). AND YOU MAY WANT TO AVOID HAVING THESE DUDES CAST SPELLS, WITH THEIR NATURALLY LOW WILLPOWER, THEY WON'T BE DOIN' MUCH OF THAT, BUT IF YOU WANT A FIRE-SLINGING BEEF-BALL OF DEATH, THEN I'M NOT GONNA STOP YA! THEY CAN ALSO GET MAD AND GAIN EVEN MORE STRENGTH WHEN THEY'RE LOW ON HIT POINTS, AND LORD HELP ANYTHING THAT GETS BETWEEN THEM AND WHAT THEY WANT AFTER THAT POINT!



AND FINALLY THERE ARE THESE LITTLE BADA$$ GUYS NAMED THE RATLINGS, BUT DON'T LET THE NAME FOOL YOU, THESE GUYS AREN'T MESSING AROUND, AND ARE AT THE PERFECT HIEGHT TO GIVE YOU THE MOST PROPER PUNCH TO THE D*CK!
AND JUST LIKE THE REST OF THESE GUYS, THESE GUYS ROCK ANYWHERE! DON'T LET THEIR LOW STRENGTH GET IN THE WAY OF THEM DISHING OUT DAMAGE WITH AN AXE, THESE GUYS SEEM TO ALMOST BE MEANT FOR THE FRONT LINE! WITH NO DETRIMENT TO VITALITY, AND DEXTERITY AS GOOD AS THE LIZARDMEN, AS WELL AS THE ABILITY TO CARRY MORE STUFF AND DODGE MORE ATTACKS, THESE GUYS ARE TOUGH LITTLE BUGGERS! AND WITH THEIR MUTATION TRAIT, THEY ARE THE ONLY RACE THAT RACIALLY GAINS MORE ATTRIBUTES AS THEY LEVEL UP, WHICH IS BADA$$ WHEN STAT UP POTIONS ARE A RARE TREASURE IN THIS GAME!!

SO NOW YOU GOT THE LOW DOWN ON THE RACES, WHAT ABOUT THE CLASSES? WELL, FORGET WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THIS GAMES CLASSES CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT THEM TO DO! DOES YOUR WIZARD SWING AN AXE WITH THE BEST OF THEM? GO AHEAD AND DO THAT, THE CHOICE IS YOURS! CLASSES IN THIS GAME JUST GIVE YOU MORE BENIFITS THAT ADD ONTO YOUR RACE, BUT DON'T DECIDE HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME! THAT BEING SAID, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS ON WHAT THESE B*TCHES DO FOR YOU! AND, AS A GENERAL NOTE OF AWESOMENESS, HUMANS CAN FIT ANY OF THESE CLASSES AND ROCK THEM SO HARD!


THE ALCHEMIST: LET ME TELL YOU THESE ARE THE MOST VERSITILE F*CKERS IN THE GAME, AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE IN YOUR PARTY, THEN YOU'RE EVEN MORE OF A BADA$$ PLAYER THEN EXPECTED. THESE GUYS ARE SUPER USEFULL WITH THEIR ABILITY TO SPAWN MORE HERBS THAT, BY THE END OF THE GAME, YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE HERBS! ON TOP OF THAT, THEY CAN LITERALLY FILL ANY ROLE! NEED A FRONTLINE FIGHTER? ALCHEMISTS HEALTH ARE ON PAR WITH SOME OF THE BEST. MAYBE A BACKLINE MAGE? THESE GUYS GET ENOUGH ENERGY TO FILL THAT ROLL AS WELL. WANT SOMEONE TO USE ALL THOSE RANGED WEAPONS YOU FIND? WHY WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, THE ALCHEMIST CAN DO THAT AS WELL! THESE GUYS TAKE YOUR IDEA OF META AND MAKE IT CRINGE SO HARD IT EXPLODES! HECK, THESE GUYS DON'T EVEN NEED TO TAKE THE ALCHEMY SKILL IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO, JUST LET THEM CARRY THE HERBS, AND YOU'RE GOOD TO GO! LITERALLY ANY RACE IS A GREAT PICK FOR THIS CLASS, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, HUMANS MORESO BECAUSE OF THEIR AWESOME EXTRA SKILL POINT AT LEVEL ONE!!


THE BARBARINA: YEA, I KNOW I MISSPELLED IT, SHUT UP NERD! THESE GUYS BEAT YOUR FACE IN, SO DON'T MESS WITH THEM! PLUS ONE STRENGTH PER LEVEL?!? THESE GUYS ARE MEANT TO HAVE A WEAPON IN HAND! TEN HIT POINTS PER LEVEL? THEY LAUGH AT THE BAD GUYS WHO HURT THEM, IT'S NOTHING TO THESE GUYS!! JUST IGNORE THE BULLSH*T THEY TELL YOU ABOUT THESE GUYS NOT NEEDING FINESSE. BARBARINAS ARE SOME OF THE BEST DUAL-WEILDERS IN THE GAME, AND NEED A FEW POINTS OF ACCURACY TO MAKE THEM WORTH IT, BUT BOY ARE THEY WORTH IT! THE BADDIES OF YOUR PRIVATE ISLAND WON'T BE ABLE TO STAND BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR TWO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! THEY ALSO THROW THINGS SO HARD THAT YOUR ENEMIES WILL EXPLODE, SO DON'T DISMISS THE RANGED OPTION FOR THEM AS WELL! AGAIN, ANY RACE CAN PICK UP THE BARBARINA CLASS, EVEN THE SCRAWNY RATLINGS, WITH THEIR NATURAL DEXTERITY MODIFIER, THOSE BADA$$ RATS CAN HIT MORE OFTEN THEN THE WRECKING-BALL THAT IS A MINOTUAR! (plus strength based ratlings make great use out of their mutation trait, utilizing 3 of the 4 attributes)


THE BATTLE MAGE: THESE VERSITILE, AND VOLITILE, F*CKERS WILL HAVE YOUR ENEMIES SCREAMING IN PAIN HOWEVER THEY PLEASE! THROW A COUPLE OF POINTS INTO CONCENTRATION AND YOUR PREFERED METHOD OF DAMAGE DEALING, AND WATCH THE BATTLE MAGE GO TO TOWN. THEY ALSO WEAR ARMOR LIKE CHAMPIONS, SO GIVE THEM THE HEAVIEST SH*T YOU CAN FIND, IF YOU WANT! DON'T GET DISCOURAGED ABOUT MAKING A MINOTUAR BATTLE MAGE, AS WELL, WITH THE SHIELD SPELL AND A GOOD WEAPON, THEY CAN MAKE EXCELENT BATTLE MAGES, JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE RACES!


THE FARMER: SO WHO HASN'T HEARD OF THAT BADA$$ FARMER THAT WAS LIKE "FORGET THIS, I'M GONNA BITE THE JUGULAR VEIN OFF A DRAGON AND BE A HERO!" IN ANY STORY! YEA, DON'T MESS WITH THE FARMER. SINCE THEY GAIN EXPERIENCE BY EATING, YOU CAN SHOVE ALL THE FOOD DOWN THIS GUYS GULLET, AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHO'S CARRYING THE FOOD ANYMORE! AND SINCE TURTLES AND WARGS RESPAWN PERIODICALLY, FOOD WON'T REALLY BE THAT SCARCE TO BEGIN WITH, SO GO TO TOWN AND WATCH THESE GUYS LEVEL LIKE MAD! WITH THEIR NATURAL EXPERIENCE MODIFIER, HUMANS TEND TO MAKE THE MOST BADA$$ FARMERS OF THE GAME, BUT RATLINGS, WITH THEIR MUTATION SKILL, CAN MAKE FOR SOME PRETTY FEARSOME JUGULAR BITERS AS WELL! ALSO DON'T WORRY ABOUT BUILDS, FARMERS CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT AND SIT WHEREVER THEY WANT, THAT'S HOW AWESOME THEY ARE!


THE FIGHTER: SO YOU MIGHT BE THINKING "well, if barbarians are the most fearsome melee warriors of the world, why make a fighter?" WELL, NERD, YOU MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF A WELL TIMED SPECIAL ATTACK! YOU WANNA MAKE A BAD GUY KNOW YOU'RE THE BIGGEST B*TCH ON THIS ISLAND, AND THAT HE NEEDS TO BACK DOWN? ROLL WITH THE FIGHTER! GIVE THIS GUY THE BIGGEST, HEAVIEST WEAPON, AND START THE BATTLE RIGHT WITH A THREE-HUNDREADDED DEATH-CRIT TO YOUR ADVERSARIES CROTCH! THESE GUYS CAN BLOW AWAY YOUR ENEMY BEFORE THE BATTLE EVEN STARTS, OR BRING A UTILITY THROUGH HIS WEAPON THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU NEEDED! YEA, THE BARBARINA WILL ALWAYS DO MORE SUSTAINED DAMAGE, BUT WILL THEY SEE THE BIGGEST, MOST BADA$$ NUMBERS IN THE GAME? PROBABLY NOT! MINOTUARS MAY SEEM THE NATURAL CHOICE FOR FIGHTERS BECAUSE OF THEIR HIGH STRENGTH, BUT RATLINGS CAN MAKE SOME OF THE BETTER FIGHTERS IN THE GAME! WITH THEIR NATURAL DEXTERITY MODIFIER TO HIT THINGS WITH, AND THEIR MUTATION TRAIT BEING ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT USEFULL FOR A FIGHTER, YOU CAN'T GO WRONG!


THE KNIGHT: DO YOU WANT THAT BADA$$ F*CKER WEARING THE SHINIEST ARMOR YOU CAN FIND? THEN PUT ONE OF THESE GUYS IN YOUR GROUP AND WATCH AS THE ENEMIES THROW THEMSELVES AT YOUR KNIGHT AND LAUGH AT THEIR PITIFUL ATTEMPTS TO TAKE THIS ARMORED HULK DOWN! THESE GUYS AREN'T AS MUCH ABOUT DAMAGING THE OPPONENT, BUT DON'T DISCREDIT THEM AS EXTRA WEIGHT IN YOUR PARTY, AS SOMETIMES THE BEST OFFENCE IS A GOOD DEFENCE! INSECTOIDS MAKE GREAT KNIGHTS WITH THEIR BADA$$ ARMOR TRAIT, AS WELL AS LIZARDMEN WITH THEIR AWESOME NATURAL RESISTANCES, AND RATLINGS MAKE LITTLE NINJA BADA$$ES WITH THEIR EVASION AND USAGE OF DEXTERITY BASED WEAPONRY!


THE ROGUE: IF RATLING KNIGHTS ARE THE FRONTLINE NINJAS OF THE GAME, THEN THE ROGUE IS THE BACKLINE NINJA OF THE GAME. DON'T WORRY ABOUT GIVING THEM MELEE WEAPONS, RANGED WEAPONS AND THROWING WEAPONS IS WHERE IT'S AT FOR THESE DUDES! GIVE THEM THE CRIT SKILL AND EITHER THE RANGED OR THROWING WEAPON MASTERY, AND WATCH AS SH*T EXPLODES DUE TO HOW AWESOME YOUR DUDE IS! RATLINGS AND LIZARDFOLKS NATURAL DEXTERITY MAKE THEM GREAT CANDIDATES FOR USING RANGED WEAPONS AS A ROGUE, BUT THE FUNNY THING IS THAT MINOTUARS MAKE SOME OF THE BEST ROGUES IN GAME! TOP OF THEIR DEXTERITY AND STRENGTH, LOAD THEIR INVENTORY UP WITH AS MANY SKULLS AS YOU CAN FIND (9) AND CHUCK A ROCK! SOMETIMES IT'S THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT MAKE SH*T EXPLODE!


THE WIZARD: YET ANOTHER THING TO PUNCH OTHER GUIDES IN THE D*CK ABOUT! DON'T GIVE INTO THE SH*T THAT WIZARDS ARE HORRIBLE IN THIS GAME, THEY CAN BE JUST AS BADA$$ AS YOU WANT THEM TO BE! ONE TOP OF A HEAVY ENERGY POOL, THE GET EVEN MORE ENERGY BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO THROW MORE FIREBALLS AND METEOR SWARMS? THEIR NATURAL INCREASE TO WILLPOWER ALSO NEGATES THE LIZARDMAN'S NATURAL DECREASE TO THAT STAT, MAKING LIZARD FOLK A GREAT CANDIDATE TO, LITERALLY, MAKE ANYTHING IN YOU'RE WAY EXPLODE TWICE! IT MAY BE THE MOST BASIC OF BASICS, BUT IT GETS THE JOB DONE, SO DON'T BE AFRAID TO THROW ONE INTO YOUR TEAM!

SO YOU GOT YOUR RACE, YOU GOT YOUR CLASS, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR TRAITS? WELL YOU GET TWO OF THESE F*CKERS, AND THERE ARE A TON TO CHOOSE FROM, SO LET ME TELL YOU WHICH ONES ARE WORTH THEIR SALT, AND WHICH ONES SHOULD BE LEFT TO BE EATEN BY THE TRAITS THAT ARE WORTH THEIR SALT! I'LL BE QUICK AND DIRTY WITH THESE SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEND TOO MUCH TIME DECIFERING WHICH ONES YOU'LL NEED TO USE! DON'T FORGET TO PUT THEM IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER, THAT'S AN ORDER!

AGGRESSIVE: A FAVORITE OF YOURS-TRUELY! EXTRA DAMAGE ON YOUR WEAPON WIELDING BADA$$ES MAKES FOR EVEN SCARIER DUDES! PLUS IT'S THE ONLY OTHER WAY TO INCREASE THE DAMAGE OF FIREARMS!

AGILE: THE ONLY ATTRIBUTE INCREASING TRAIT THAT'S WORTH A DAMN! DEX MEANS SO MUCH TO SO MANY CHARACTERS, THAT EVEN A PLUS TWO INCREASE CAN BE WORTH SOMETHING, BUT THERE ARE USUALLY BETTER!

AURA FOR THAT EXTRA BIT OF ENERGY! THERE'S USUALLY BETTER, BUT SOMETIMES THE EXTRA SPELL YOU'LL PROBABLY GET FROM THIS COULD SAVE YOUR SAD BEHIND IF YOU'RE NOT FEELING EXTRA BADA$$ THAT DAY!

CHITIN ARMOR (insectoid only): REMEMBER HOW I SAID INSECTOIDS ARE HARD TO DAMAGE? THIS IS WHY! THIS CAN BE AS GOOD AS AN EXTRA PIECE OF ARMOR BY THE END OF THE GAME!

COLD-BLOODED: NOT JUST FOR LIZARDS ANYMORE, THIS INCREASES YOUR DUDES RESISTANCE TO COLD, AKA: LAAAAAME!

DAEMON ANCESTOR: THIS SOUNDS BADA$$, BUT IT ONLY INCREASES YOUR FIRE RESIST! ALSO LAME!

ENDURANCE: INCREASED CARRY WEIGHT AND DECREASED FOOD CONSUMPTION? MIGHT BE GOOD, BUT FOOD IS PLENTY AND THERE'S ALMOST ALWAYS SOMETHING BETTER!

ENDURE ELEMENTS (lizardman only): THIS IS WHAT MAKES LIZARDMEN SO BADA$$, THEY LAUGH AT ELEMENTALS, THEY DON'T JUST NOT LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS, THEY SIT IN THEM AND HAVE A CUP OF TEA! YOU DON'T MESS WITH A LIZARDMAN THAT CAN BLOW HIMSELF UP AND THEN WANT TO DO IT AGAIN! THERE ARE VERY FEW TIMES WHEN YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO TAKE THIS TRAIT!

EVASIVE: YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S AWESOME ABOUT NOT BEING HIT? LAUGHING AT YOUR ENEMY AS THEIR BIG ATTACK DID NOTHING! BEING ALIVE TO SWING BACK AND PUNISH THOSE THAT ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU IS ALSO A HUGE BENIFIT! THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE RATLING KNIGHT TRAIT, SO IF YOUR RATLING IS GOING TO BE IN THE FRONT IN ALL THE MOST BADASS ARMOR AND WEILDING A SHIELD, THEN THIS WILL MAKE THEM THAT MUCH HARDER TO HIT, NERD!

FAST LEARNER (human only): SO YOUR HUMAN CAN LEARN EVEN BETTER! TWENTY-PERCENT INCREASED EXPERIENCE IS NOTHING TO SCOFF AT, COMPOUND THAT WITH ANOTHER TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT FROM ITEMS YOU CAN GET IN GAME, AND YOUR HUMAN GETS THOSE EXTRA LEVELS BEFORE HE EVEN KNOWS HE NEEDS THEM!

FAST METABOLISM (lizardman only): AN INCREASE TO HEALTH AND ENERGY REGENERATION AT THE COST OF INCREASED FOOD CONSUMPTION! B*TCH, FOOD ISN'T HARD TO COME BY, AND THE FASTER YOU GET YOUR ENERGY BACK, THE FASTER YOU CAN CAST ANOTHER SPELL! GET THIS IF YOUR LIZARD LIKES CASTING SPELLS! OH, ALSO DOUBLE EFFECTS OF POTIONS, H*LL YEA!!

HEAD-HUNTER (minotuar only): DOES YOUR MINOTUAR USE STRENGTH TO DO DAMAGE? YES? GET THIS SH*T, IT'LL DO YOU GOOD!

HEALTHY: PLUS TWO TO VITALITY IS EQUAL TO TEN MORE HITPOINTS, AND THAT'S IT! LET THIS BE EATEN BY THE GOOD TRAITS!

MARTIAL TRAINING: SO YOU WANT YOUR DUDE TO HIT MORE OFTEN WITH HIS MELEE WEAPONS? HEY, IT MIGHT INCREASE YOUR ABILITY TO KILL A HOSTILE B*TCH FASTER THEN JUST STRAIGHT UP DOING MORE DAMAGE!! THIS IS A GOOD TRAIT FOR YOUR MELEE BADA$$ES!!

MUSCULAR: YOU'D THINK MORE STRENGTH WOULD MEAN MORE DAMAGE, AND YOU'RE RIGHT! BUT TWO STRENGTH ISN'T WORTH A DAMN IN MY BOOK, SO LET THIS ONE DIE WITH THE OTHER BAD TRAITS!

MUTATION (ratling only): THIS IS THE ONLY RACIAL TRAIT THE LITTLE DUDES GET, AND IT'S A GOOD ONE! SINCE YOU DON'T GAIN ATTRIBUTE POINTS ON LEVEL UP TO BEGIN WITH, THE EXTRA ATTRIBUTES YOU GET WITH THIS TRAIT MEANS THEY'VE ALREADY GOT A LEG UP ON THE OTHER RACES!! OR MAYBE THEY JUST GOT AN EXTRA LEG, WHO KNOWS!!

NATURAL ARMOR: UNLESS STACKED ON TOP OF THE INSECTOIDS NATURAL ARMOR, THIS TRAIT IS LAME! IF IT IS STACKED ON TOP OF THE INSECTOIDS NATURAL ARMOR, THIS TRAIT IS AWESOME!!

POISON IMMUNITY (lizardman only): THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THE RATLINGS WOULD GET, THOSE LIZARDMEN BAST*RDS! DON'T EVEN BOTHER WITH THIS, WHEN WEATHER RESISTANT IS AN OPTION FOR LIZARDMEN, IMMUNITY TO ONE ELEMENT IS LAME!

POISON RESISTANT: IT'S LIKE POISON IMMUNITY, BUT WORSE!

QUICK (insectoid only): DO YOU WANNA SWING YOUR WEAPONS LIKE THEY'RE YOUR PARDNER IN SOME SORT OF BARNYARD SQUARE-DANCE OF DEATH? WANNA TRANSFORM INTO A BEAR AND JUST MAUL PEOPLE FASTER THEN YOU CAN CLICK? WANNA DISH OUT DEATH SO FAST THAT THE GRIM REAPER QUITS AND GIVES YOU HIS JOB? GET QUICK AND GET GOOD!

RAGE! (minotuar only): DESPITE LOOKING AND SOUNDING LIKE AN AWESOME TRAIT, SINCE IT WON'T BE ACTIVE UNTILL YOUR BADA$$ DUDE IS FEELING SIGNIFICANTLY LESS BADA$$ THEN HE SHOULD, THIS TRAIT PALES IN COMPARISON TO THE CONSTANT BONUS FROM HEAD-HUNTER AND AGGRESSIVE! STILL, IF YOU FEEL DARING, THIS TRAIT PAYS THE BILLS!

SKILLED (human only): ARE YOU A HUMAN? HAVE YOU TAKEN THIS TRAIT? TAKE THIS TRAIT! SKILL POINTS ARE ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME THINGS IN THE GAME, AND YOU WANT ALL OF THEM!

STRONG MIND: LAME! GET AURA NERD!!!

TOUGH: EXTRA HIT POINTS MEANS YOU MIGHT NOT DIE ON YOUR NEXT HIT. THAT'S ALWAYS GOOD, RIGHT?!?

AWLRIGHT! NOW THAT YOU GOT YOUR RACE, YOUR CLASS, YOUR TRAITS, AND HOPEFULLY YOUR ATTRIBUTES, NOW'S TIME TO PUT YOUR FIRST POINTS INTO SKILLS, BUT WHAT SHOULD YOU PUT THEM IN? WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO MAKE THIS GAME CRIPPLE TO YOUR KNEES AND DO YOUR BIDDING? WELL, TAKE A LOOK! NOTHING IS PREVENTING YOU FROM PUTTING THOSE SKILL POINTS INTO ANYTHING, BUT JUST LIKE MOST GAMES, IT'S BETTER TO FOCUS ON ONE OR TWO SKILLS, AND LET SOMEONE ELSE WORRY ABOUT THE REST! SKILL POINTS ARE ONLY GAINED BY LEVELING, NERD, AND SINCE YOU CAN'T DO THAT FOREVER, YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND YOUR LIMITED AMOUNT OF SKILL POINTS!

HERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BADASSUME, YOU WILL GET A TOTAL OF FIFTEEN SKILL POINTS BY THE END OF THE GAME! EVEN BADASS FARMERS GET THIS AMOUNT BECAUSE THEY CAN LEVEL EASIER THEN THE REST! HUMANS GET ONE MORE TO SPEND WHEN THEY DECIDE TO SPAWN, AND YOU'LL GET A FEW SKILL BOOKS IN THE GAME, BUT ALWAYS ASSUME YOU'LL GET FIFTEEN SKILL POINTS!

SO WHAT ARE THESE AWESOME SKILLS THAT MAKE YOUR CHARACTER WHO THEY ARE?!? WELL, I'LL DIVIDE THEM INTO GROUPS: DAMAGE DEALING, DEFENSE, AND UTILITY SKILLS!

SO, HOW ARE YOU GONNA MURDER THE BADDIES WHO ARE TRYING TO MURDER YOU? WELL, WITH ONE OF THESE SKILLS. YOU SHOULD PICK ONE, AND FOCUS ON IT, AND EVERY CHARACTER SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST ONE POINT IN ONE OF THESE SKILLS, JUST SO THEY CAN DO EVEN A LITTLE BIT OF MURDER!

LIGHT WEAPONS: DON'T LET THE NAME FOOL YOU, THERE IS NOTHING LIGHT ABOUT THESE WEAPONS!! THEY ARE SEPERATED OUT INTO TWO CATIGORIES: THE STRENGTH BASED MURDURNATORS, AND THE DEXTERITY BASED STABBINATORS, AND NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE TELL YOU, BOTH ARE EQUILLY GOOD AT DEALING OUT DEATH!! SO NO MATTER WHAT, YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE SANTACLAUSE OF DAMAGE, AND EVERY DAY IS CHRISTMAS (OR WHATEVER HOLIDAY YOU CELIBRATE, NERD!). EVEN BETTER IS THAT THREE SKILL POINTS IN YOU CAN ATTACK WITH A SWORD AND DAGGER, AND FIVE LEVELS IN YOU CAN ATTACK WITH ANY TWO LIGHT WEAPONS! WHAT A DEAL!!

HEAVY WEAPONS: IF YOU JUST WANNA SMASH A FACE, THESE ARE FOR YOU! THESE DO HEAVY AMOUNTS OF DAMAGE ALL AT ONCE, AT THE COST OF SPEED, BUT WHO CARES, IT'S A GIANT, F*CKING HAMMER/AXE/KILLYOU! AT FIVE LEVELS IN, YOU CAN WEILD ANY BAD BOY OF A WEAPON WITH ONE HAND, FREEING UP YOUR DUDE'S OTHER HAND TO WIELD HIS SHIELD, HIS ROPE, OR HIS ROD (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)!! THIS IS A MUST HAVE FOR THOSE THAT JUST WANT TO FACE IN, AND GET ON WITH LIFE!

RANGED WEAPONS: MAYBE YOU'D RATHER MAKE SURE SOMETHING DOESN'T EVEN GET CLOSE TO YOU! GOT A SEWING PROJECT, BUT NEED A NEW PINCUSHION? RANGED WEAPONS MAKE THOSE OUT OF ANYTHING! THIS ALLOWS YOU TO WIELD ANYTHING THAT IS A RANGED WEAPON, WHETHER IT BE A ROCK THROWER THAT ISN'T YOUR HAND, OR A BOW! AND ONCE YOU GET SUFFICIENTLY AWESOME AT IT, YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP IGNORE TWENTY POINTS OF YOUR OPPONENTS ARMOR, MEANING YOU HIT THEM THAT MUCH HARDER!

THROWING WEAPONS: THE LIGHT WEAPONS OF THE RANGED WORLD, AND A MINOTUARS BEST FRIEND, THROWING WEAPONS EXPLODES ENEMIES, LITERALLY IF YOU THROW BOMBS! IF YOU WANNA DISH OUT DAMAGE AT A RANGE LIKE IT MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU (WHICH YOU DO) THEN START CHUCKING ROCKS, KNIVES, AXES AND SHURIKEN (YOU MINOTUAR NINJA YOU!), AND WATCH AS YOUR ENEMIES SUFFER FROM AFFAR, WISHING THEY WERE AWESOME ENOUGH TO DO THE SAME!

FIREARMS: WANNA SHOOT A GUN? WELL, HERE'S YOUR SKILL! JUST WATCH OUT, YOU CANNOT RECOVER YOUR AMMO, AND UNTILL YOU PUT FIVE SKILLPOINTS INTO THIS BAD BOY, YOUR GUN MIGHT NOT EVEN FIRE! THESE WEAPONS DON'T GAIN DAMAGE FROM ANY SKILL, EITHER, MEANING THE DAMAGE YOU SEE ON THE WEAPON IS THE DAMAGE YOU GET, NERD! BUT WHATEVER! SPOILERS! YOU GET A BADA$$ CANON LATER ON, SO HOW CAN YOU EVEN BE MAD THAT IT'S OTHERWISE A SUB-PAR SKILL?!?

FIRE MAGIC: FIRE, NEED I SAY MORE? IT CAUSES EXPLOSIONS, BURNING, EXPLOSIONS, DEATH, AND EXPLOSIONS! BUT TO TRUELY UNLOCK THE POTENTIAL OF THIS KIND OF MAGIC, YOU'RE GONNA NEED THREE POINTS IN AIR MAGIC, NERD! BUT ONCE YOU GET THOSE THREE POINTS, AND THE FIVE POINTS IN AIR MAGIC, THEN LET THE HEAVENS RAIN... RAIN AWESOME METEORS OF DEATH!!!

AIR MAGIC: IF FIRE MAGIC HAD A LITTLE BROTHER, IT WOULD BE AIR MAGIC. DOING A FAIR AMOUNT OF LIGHTNING DAMAGE WITH SPELLS LIKE SHOCK AND LIGHTNING BOLT, IT ALSO GIVES YOU ACCESS TO THE ALWAYS AWESOME INVISIBILITY, WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO SNEAK PAST ENEMIES AND GET INTO A MORE ADVANTAGES POSITION TO KILL THINGS!! OF COURSE THIS IS A GREAT OPTION!

WATER MAGIC: ELEMENTALS WILL FEAR YOU IF YOU EVEN PUT ONE POINT INTO THIS BAD BOY OF A SKILL! AT FIRST LEVEL YOU GAIN ACCESS TO DISPEL, WHICH MAKES ELEMENTALS CRY! GET A POINT IN EARTH MAGIC TO MAKE SPIKES SHOOT OUT FROM THE GROUND, DEALING DAMAGE TO EVERYTHING IN FRONT OF YOU, BASED ON YOUR WATER MAGIC MASTERY! AND FINALLY, LAST BUT CERAINLY NOT LEAST, WITH A POINT IN AIR MAGIC YOU CAN GET ICE BOLT, WHICH FREEZES ENEMIES! OH MAN THERE'S NOTHING LIKE LAUGHING AND SLICING DOWN AN ENEMY THAT WOULD HAVE TRIED TO MURDER YOU, BUT CAN'T DO NOTHING NOW, AND THEY EXPLODE INTO ICY-PIECES OF CHUNKS WHEN THEY DIE WHILE FROZEN! RATSICLES, MY JUST LIKE MOMMA USED TO MAKE!

EARTH MAGIC: DON'T LISTEN TO THE NERDS, EARTH MAGIC IS AN AMAZING SCHOOL TO MASTER!! WITH ONLY THREE SPELLS (one of which being the elemental shield that all schools get for their mastery) IT MAY NOT LOOK LIKE MUCH, BUT THE UTILITY OF THE POISON GAS IS ENDLESS! AT FIRST LEVEL YOU GET POISON GAS, WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO SLOWLY MELT YOUR OPPONENT AWAY FROM BEHIND A GATE OR BARRED DOOR! DON'T WANNA FIGHT A THING BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR? WATCH AS THEY JUST WHITHER AWAY AS YOU SIT THERE AND LAUGH AT THEM! THEN AT TWO LEVELS IN YOU GET POISON BOLT, WHICH POISONS AN ENEMY, DOING MORE (AND DECENT) DAMAGE OVER TIME, MAKING THEM MELT EVEN MORE! THE KEY THING HERE IS TO REALIZE THAT EARTH MAGIC LINGERS, ALLOWING YOU TO THEN PULL OUT YOUR SWORD AND ATTACK WHILE IT DOES ITS THING! BEST OF BOTH WORLDS, IF YOU ASK ME!!!

SO NOW YOU KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE EVIL, MURDEROUS MONSTERS OF THE ISLAND, BUT HOW DO YOU MAKE SURE YOU CAN STICK AROUND IN THE WORLD OF THE LIVING TO BE ABLE TO KEEP DOING THAT? THAT'S WHEN YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO DEFENSIVE SKILLS!!

THE FIRST THING YOU GOTTA LEARN TO DO, THOUGH, IS THE DANCE OF DEATH! ONE OF THE GREATEST DEFENSES YOU HAVE IS YOUR LEGS, SO USE THEM NERD! MOVE AROUND YOUR ENEMIES ATTACKS AND DO YOUR BEST NOT TO EVEN GET HIT BY THEM! "But what if I can't move around, or I'm a nerd?!?" I HEAR YOU CRY? WELL, THERE ARE WAYS TO KEEP YOURSELF ALIVE EVEN IF YOU CAN'T MOVE! FIRST AND FORMOST, HAVE YOUR TANKIEST OF BADA$$ES IN THE FRONT, AND ALWAYS FACE YOUR ENEMY, IF POSSIBLE, AND IT ALWAYS IS POSSIBLE THANKS TO SPELLCASTING! THESE THREE SKILLS WILL KEEP YOU ALIVE WHILE UNDER FIRE, AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE THE ONE LEFT STANDING IN WHATEVER ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN YOU'RE IN!

ARMOR: AS THE NAME IMPLIES, THIS BADA$$ SKILL HELPS YOU WHEN YOU'RE WEARING ARMOR, AND IF YOU COULDN'T GATHER THAT FROM THE NAME, THEN YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT WHEN YOU DUMP ENOUGH OF YOUR SKILL POINTS INTO THIS SKILL, YOU CAN START EVADING ATTACKS LIKE YOU'RE NAKED AND RUNNING THROUGH A SOCCER GAME (OR FOOTBALL IF YOU'RE NOT A 'MURICAN NERD!). IF YOU'RE NOT STUPID, YOU'LL DROP POINTS INTO THIS SKILL ON YOUR MORE EVASIVE OF DUDES! ALSO, EVEN IF YOU DON'T DROP POINTS IN THIS SKILL, YOUR BADA$$ DUDES CAN, AND SHOULD, STILL WEAR ARMOR. YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO AVOID ATTACKS, BUT IT'S BETTER THEN BEING DEAD!

DODGE: SO YOU'RE NOT DECIDING TO USE A SHIELD? THEN YOUR DUDE ISN'T USING A SHIELD, BUT STAND IN THE FRONT LINE? THEN YOU'LL WANT TO PUT SOME POINTS INTO DODGE! THIS SKILL HAS THE ADDED BENIFIT OF DECREASING YOUR ABILITY TO DISH OUT DAMAGE, SO AT LEAST THREE POINTS IS WORTH IT TO ANYONE WHO'S WIELDING MORE THEN ONE WEAPON! IT'S A DEFENSIVE SKILL THAT ALLOWS YOU TO OFFEND THE ENEMY TO DEATH EVEN FASTER, HOW COOL IS THAT?!?

CONCENTRATION: WHAT?!? THE UTILITY SPELLCASTING SCHOOL IN THE DEFENSIVE SKILLS?!? AM I CRAZY?!? YOU BET I AM! BUT WITH SPELLS LIKE SHIELD AND FORCE FIELD IN THIS SKILL, AS WELL AS EVERY LITTLE TRINKET THAT REQUIRES CONCENTRATION TO EVEN USE, THIS IS A MUST HAVE SKILL FOR ANY CASTER! EVEN BETTER TO DROP DOWN A POISON CLOUD, THEN ENCASE YOUR ENEMY IN A FORCE FIELD, AND THEN LAUGH AT THEIR CORPSE AFTER THEY DIE IN THEIR OWN PERSONAL GAS CHAMBER! I REPEAT, THIS IS A MUST HAVE SKILL FOR ANY SPELLCASTING NERD, NO MATTER WHERE THEY STAND IN THE PARTY!!!

SO YOU GOT YOUR MEANS OF KILLING BADDIES, YOU GOT YOUR MEANS OF NOT DYING TO BADDIES, BUT WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO?!? WELL, THESE HERE WILL JUST MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER, SO YOU CAN CRACK THE SKULLS OF YOUR ENEMIES EVEN BETTER!

ALCHEMY: YOU SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE IN YOUR BADA$$ DUDES WHO CAN MIX A MEAN BREW! EVEN ONE POINT WILL ALLOW YOU TO MAKE POTIONS THAT, WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, AND YOU TAKE DAMAGE (AND YOU WILL), WILL KEEP YOU ALIVE! THEN WHEN YOU HAVE FOUR SKILL POINTS, THOSE POTIONS ARE EVEN BETTER AND YOU CAN MAKE BOMBS, AND AT FIVE SKILL POINTS, YOU CAN MAKE THREE BOMBS AT A TIME! TRIPLE THE EXPLOSIONS!!

ATHLETICS: MORE HEALTH AND AN INCREASE IN CARRY WEIGHT WHEN YOU PUT THREE POINTS INTO IT? NOT BAD, ALWAYS GOOD TO TAKE AN EXTRA HIT! IF YOU HAVE EXTRA POINTS FOR SOME REASON, AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SPEND THEM ON, THIS IS A GREAT SKILL TO DROP POINTS INTO!! WHO KNOWS, IT MIGHT SAVE YOUR LIFE!

ACCURACY: AH YES, THE GREAT EQUALIZER FOR MINOTUARS! THIS IS WHAT ALLOWS THEM TO CRUSH THE FACES OF THEIR ENEMIES, AND WITH ONLY A MINOR INVESTMENT, YOU CAN DO SO FROM THE BACK OF YOUR PARTY! CRUSHING SKULLS FROM THE SAFTY OF THE BACK IS ALWAYS A BONUS, SO DROP A COUPLE OF POINTS IN THIS EARLY IF THAT STRIKES YOUR FANCY, NERD!!

CRITICAL: MORE DAMAGE?!? YES PLEASE!! THIS GIVES YOU THAT EXTRA EDGE TO DO TWICE AS MUCH DAMAGE! WANT SOMETHING DEADER THEN DEAD? DROP SO MANY POINTS INTO THIS, WITH A TOTAL OF FIFTEEN PERCENT EXTRA CHANCE TO CRIT, THIS WILL ALLOW YOU TO CRIT ONCE EVERY FIVE HITS! I DON'T THINK I NEED TO SAY THAT'S A GOOD THING! AN ADDED BONUS IS THAT AT THREE SKILL POINTS, YOU CAN BACKSTAB WITH DAGGERS FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE, AND AT FIVE POINTS, ANY LIGHT WEAPON CAN BACKSTAB, EVEN THE BLUNT ONES! SO FREEZE THAT B*TCH, AND DO IT FROM BEHIND!!

THAT'S RIGHT! YOU DON'T NEED MY HELP FOR THE REST! I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHAT TO MAKE, THAT'S FOR YOU TO DECIDE! GET THIS BADA$$ GAME AND GET CRACKING! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DECIDES WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR BADA$$ GROUP THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO BEAT THE GAME, AND MAKE THE GAME YOUR B*TCH! GO ON, AND MAKE YOUR MOTHER PROUD! OR DON'T, IT'S NOT FOR ME TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, NERD!