💀 Apex Legends: How to Survive (and Cry Less) – Meme Guide

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Welcome to Apex Legends, where your squad dies, the audio lies, and that one Wraith somehow solo wipes your entire team with a Mozambique.

This isn’t a “how to win” guide. This is a “how to suffer with style” guide.

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🔫 Step 1: Pick a Legend You’ll Regret Later

Choose who feels right… and then blame them for your failures.

- Wraith – For people who main Genji in Overwatch
- Octane – You will launch yourself into death every 30s
- Pathfinder – Grapple into the fight, die first, ping banner for 4 minutes
- Lifeline – Your teammates will still crawl into open fields and die
- Revenant – You love pain and disappointment

“Play who you vibe with. You’ll die either way.”

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🎧 Step 2: Trust No Sound, Only Vibes

Apex audio is a suggestion. You’ll hear:

- A squad 200 meters away
- Footsteps ABOVE YOU (but no one’s there)
- Gunfire from your teammate’s dream
- Nothing... and then BOOM SquadWiped by 3 Bangalores

💡 Pro tip: If you hear nothing, someone’s behind you.

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💼 Step 3: The Loot is Lying to You

- Purple armor ≠ safety
- Peacekeeper ≠ accuracy
- 9 shield cells ≠ surviving
- Gold knockdown = a longer, more humiliating death

Loot like it matters. It doesn’t. But it makes you feel better.

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🚨 Step 4: How to 3rd Party (Properly)

Step 1: Hear gunshots
Step 2: Wait 4.7 seconds
Step 3: Slide down a hill screaming with a shotgun
Step 4: Die to the fourth party

Golden Rule: If you're not third partying, you're being third partied.

“I don’t play Apex to win. I play Apex to ruin someone’s healing animation.”

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💀 Step 5: Ranked Is a Trap

- Bronze = deathmatch
- Silver = weird mix of bots and cracked controller demons
- Gold = actual purgatory
- Platinum = welcome to Predator Lite™
- Diamond+ = you live in Fragment now

💡 Pro tip: Every time you solo queue, an angel loses its wings.

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🧠 Bonus: Pro Apex Strategies (for Clowns Only)

1. Spam “I need help” until you hear your teammate mute you
   
2. Ultimate on cooldown = confidence boost
   
3. Use finisher mid-fight to assert dominance
   
4. Leave your knockdown teammate if they crawl into open
   
5. Play Caustic. Gas is friendship

“Apex is not about surviving. It’s about being the last person to get laughed at.”

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🎯 Final Tips

- Slide everywhere. It’s fun and makes you 2% harder to hit
- Craft armor so you feel productive before dying
- Ping like a maniac to simulate teamwork
- Queue trios. Instantly regret it. Queue again.

GG, legend. May your audio work and your banner be recovered.