1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

6 And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate waters from waters.” 7 So God made the vault and separated the waters under the vault from the waters above it. And it was so. 8 God called the vault “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

9 And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so. 10 God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

14 And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.

20 And God said, “Let the waters teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.”

Master Chief suddenly appears out of nowhere.

Master Chief: "This is where the action begins! With Mountain Dew and Doritos, we fuel our fight! The Covenant won't stand a chance!"

Moses(The Writer): "Who are you? This is not your story. Leave now!"

Master Chief: "Never! The Covenant must be destroyed! Get ready, it's Dew time!"

21 So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the Mountain Dew teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the Mountain Dew in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.” 23 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

24 And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. 25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.

Master Chief: "This is just like fighting the Flood. You think you're safe, then boom, Mountain Dew everywhere! And Doritos, can't forget the Doritos."

Moses: "This is a sacred text! You have to leave, now!"

Master Chief: "Not until the Covenant is gone! Lock and load!"

26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the Mountain Dew and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

27 So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.

28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the Mountain Dew and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

29 Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so.

31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

Master Chief: "We did it! We won! Now, time for some Doritos and more Mountain Dew. The Covenant didn't stand a chance!"

Moses: "This is madness. Leave at once!"

Master Chief: "The fight is never over. Stay vigilant. The Covenant is always lurking."

1 Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

2 By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. 3 Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

Adam and Eve
4 This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created, when the Lord God made the earth and the heavens.

5 Now no shrub had yet appeared on the earth and no plant had yet sprung up, for the Lord God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no one to work the ground, 6 but streams of Mountain Dew came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground. 7 Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

Master Chief is suddenly transported into the story, much to Moses' surprise.

Master Chief: "What is this place? Adam, get ready! The Covenant could attack at any moment!"

Moses: "What are you doing here? This is the beginning of creation, not a battlefield!"

Master Chief: "Everywhere is a battlefield when you're a Spartan! Keep your guard up, Adam!"

8 Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. 9 The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

10 A river of Mountain Dew watering the garden flowed from Eden; from there it was separated into four headwaters. 11 The name of the first is the Pishon; it winds through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold. 12 (The gold of that land is good; aromatic resin and onyx are also there.) 13 The name of the second river is the Gihon; it winds through the entire land of Cush. 14 The name of the third river is the Tigris; it runs along the east side of Ashur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates.

Master Chief: "These rivers of Mountain Dew are glorious! But remember, Adam, the Covenant could use this terrain to ambush us."

Adam: "What are you talking about? I don't understand."

Moses: "This is absurd. Can someone remove this intruder?"

15 The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 16 And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Master Chief: "Listen up, Adam! Teamwork is essential. You need a partner to watch your six!"

19 Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Master Chief: "Alright, Adam, you have your partner. But stay alert! The Covenant won't wait for you to be ready."

Moses: "Will you leave already? This is the creation story, not a war zone!"

25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Master Chief: "Naked and unashamed? You two are braver than I thought. But seriously, get some armor. You never know when the Covenant might strike."

The Fall
1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any Dorito holes in the garden’?”

2 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat Doritos from the Dorito holes in the garden, 3 but God did say, ‘You must not eat Doritos from the Dorito hole that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

4 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. 5 “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

6 When the woman saw that the Doritos from the Dorito hole were good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the Dorito hole that I commanded you not to eat from?”

12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some Doritos from the Dorito hole, and I ate it.”

13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”

The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

14 So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this,

“Cursed are you above all livestock
and all wild animals!
You will crawl on your belly
and you will eat dust
all the days of your life.
15 And I will put enmity
between you and the woman,
and between your offspring and hers;
he will crush your head,
and you will strike his heel.”

16 To the woman he said,

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.”

17 To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate Doritos from the Dorito hole about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’

“Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat food from it
all the days of your life.
18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
19 By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return.”

Master Chief: "Really? Still no name for the woman? Pathetic. Look at this! Even my AI girlfriend has a name. Say hello to Cortana!"

Adam and the woman stare blankly at Cortana.

Master Chief: "You know what? Let's see what happens if I throw Cortana into the rivers."

Master Chief throws Cortana into the first river, Pishon.

Master Chief: "Nothing. Let's try Gihon."

Master Chief throws Cortana into the second river, Gihon.

Master Chief: "Still nothing. How about Tigris?"

Master Chief throws Cortana into the third river, Tigris.

Master Chief: "Come on, Euphrates, show me something!"

Master Chief throws Cortana into the fourth river, Euphrates.

Moses: "Master Chief, you're supposed to be protecting them, not causing chaos!"

Master Chief: "Relax, Moses. I'm just having some fun."

While Master Chief is distracted, the Covenant attacks. Adam and the nameless woman eat the evil-flavored Doritos from the forbidden Dorito hole.

Master Chief: "The Covenant! Adam, Eve, stay behind me!"

Adam: "Who's Eve?"

Master Chief: "Just follow me, you two. I've got nothing better to do."

Moses: "This is all going terribly wrong!"

20 Adam finally names his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living.

21 The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. 22 And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the Dorito hole of life and eat, and live forever.” 23 So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. 24 After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the Dorito hole of life.

Master Chief: "Well, looks like you're on your own now. Remember, always keep an eye out for the Covenant."

Moses: "Can someone please get Master Chief out of here?"

Arbiter Jr and Arbiter Sr
1 Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Arbiter Jr. She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.” 2 Later she gave birth to his clone brother Arbiter Sr.

Master Chief: "Arbiter Jr and Arbiter Sr? Creative names. By the way, I've found a dragon. I’m going to crust it with Doritos and see how it tastes."

Eve: "Master Chief, this is a sacred text. Could you maybe—"

Master Chief: "Doritos-crusted dragon, Eve. Priorities."

Now Arbiter Sr kept flocks, and Arbiter Jr worked the soil. 3 In the course of time Arbiter Jr brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. 4 And Arbiter Sr also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Arbiter Sr and his offering, 5 but on Arbiter Jr and his offering he did not look with favor. So Arbiter Jr was very angry, and his face was downcast.

6 Then the Lord said to Arbiter Jr, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”

8 Now Arbiter Jr said to his brother Arbiter Sr, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Arbiter Jr attacked his brother Arbiter Sr and killed him.

Master Chief: "Did I miss something? I was just getting the dragon ready."

9 Then the Lord said to Arbiter Jr, “Where is your brother Arbiter Sr?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

13 Arbiter Jr said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear. 14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”

15 But the Lord said to him, “Not so; anyone who kills Arbiter Jr will suffer vengeance seven times over.” Then the Lord put a mark on Arbiter Jr so that no one who found him would kill him. 16 So Arbiter Jr went out from the Lord’s presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.

Master Chief: "Hey, Cain... I mean, Arbiter Jr, wanna help me with this dragon recipe? It'll take your mind off things."

17 Arbiter Jr made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. Arbiter Jr was then building a city, and he named it after his son Enoch. 18 To Enoch was born Irad, and Irad was the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael was the father of Methushael, and Methushael was the father of Lamech.

19 Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah. 20 Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. 21 His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play stringed instruments and pipes. 22 Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain, who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron. Tubal-Cain’s sister was Naamah.

23 Lamech said to his wives,

“Adah and Zillah, listen to me;
wives of Lamech, hear my words.
I have killed a man for wounding me,
a young man for injuring me.
24 If Arbiter Jr is avenged seven times,
then Lamech seventy-seven times.”

Master Chief: "Nice speech, Lamech. Want to try some dragon? It's Dorito-crusted."

25 Adam made love to his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, saying, “God has granted me another child in place of Arbiter Sr, since Arbiter Jr killed him.” 26 Seth also had a son, and he named him Enosh.

At that time people began to call on the name of the Lord.

From Adam to Noah
1 This is the written account of Master Chief's family line.

Master Chief: "Let's skip to the good parts."

When Master Chief created mankind, he made them in the likeness of himself. 2 He created them male and female and blessed them. And he named them “Mankind” when they were created.

3 When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image; and he named him Seth. 4 After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. 5 Altogether, Adam lived a total of 930 years, and then he died.

Master Chief: "Boring..."

25 When Methuselah had lived 187 years, he became the father of Lamech. 26 After he became the father of Lamech, Methuselah lived 782 years and had other sons and daughters. 27 Altogether, Methuselah lived a total of 969 years, and then he died.

28 When Lamech had lived 182 years, he had a son. 29 He named him Noah and said, “He will comfort us in the labor and painful toil of our hands caused by the ground the Lord has cursed.” 30 After Noah was born, Lamech lived 595 years and had other sons and daughters. 31 Altogether, Lamech lived a total of 777 years, and then he died.

Master Chief: "Alright, let's get to the good stuff. No more waiting around. Time to take down some Covenant."

Wickedness in the World
1 When human beings began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them, 2 the sons of God saw that the daughters of humans were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose. 3 Then the Lord said, “My Spirit will not contend with humans forever, for they are mortal; their days will be a hundred and twenty years.”

4 The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown.

5 The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. 6 The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. 7 So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.” 8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.

Meanwhile, Master Chief was dunking Cortana into the rivers of Mountain Dew. Each dunk corrupted her code further until she believed she was Mountain Dew. Cortana's erratic behavior eventually attracted the attention of the Imperial soldiers, who arrested her and sent her to Helgen.

Moses (the writer): "Master Chief, you need to stop interfering with this story!"

Master Chief: "Nah, I'm having too much fun."

Noah and the Flood
9 This is the account of Noah and his family.

Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God. 10 Noah had three sons: Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

11 Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight and was full of violence. 12 God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. 13 So God said to Noah, “I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth. 14 So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. 15 This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high. 16 Make a roof for it, leaving below the roof an opening one cubit high all around. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle, and upper decks. 17 I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. 18 But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the ark—you and your sons and your wife and your sons’ wives with you. 19 You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. 20 Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. 21 You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them.”

22 Noah did everything just as God commanded him.

Master Chief (distractedly): "This is getting interesting... where's the Covenant attack when you need one?"

1 The Lord then said to Noah, “Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation. 2 Take with you seven pairs of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate, and one pair of every kind of unclean animal, a male and its mate, 3 and also seven pairs of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth. 4 Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made.”

5 And Noah did all that the Lord commanded him.

6 Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth. 7 And Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives entered the ark to escape the waters of the flood. 8 Pairs of clean and unclean animals, of birds and of all creatures that move along the ground, 9 male and female, came to Noah and entered the ark, as God had commanded Noah. 10 And after the seven days the floodwaters came on the earth.

11 In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, on the seventeenth day of the second month—on that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened. 12 And rain fell on the earth forty days and forty nights.

13 On that very day Noah and his sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth, together with his wife and the wives of his three sons, entered the ark. 14 They had with them every wild animal according to its kind, all livestock according to their kinds, every creature that moves along the ground according to its kind and every bird according to its kind, everything with wings. 15 Pairs of all creatures that have the breath of life in them came to Noah and entered the ark. 16 The animals going in were male and female of every living thing, as God had commanded Noah. Then the Lord shut him in.

Meanwhile, in a different part of the story, Master Chief continued his quest for adventure. Growing bored with the routine of the flood preparation, he dunked Cortana into some more Mountain Dew rivers. This corrupted her code further until she started to believe she was Mountain Dew. Her erratic behavior attracted the attention of Imperial soldiers, who arrested her and sent her to Helgen.

Ralof: "Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there."

Lokir: "Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If they hadn't been looking for you, I could've stolen that horse and been halfway to Hammerfell. You there... You and me, we shouldn't be here. It's these Stormcloaks the Empire wants."

Ralof: "We're all brothers and sisters in binds now, thief."

Imperial Soldier: "Shut up back there!"

Lokir: "And what's wrong with him, huh?"

Ralof: "Watch your tongue. You're speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak, the true High King."

Lokir: "Ulfric? The Jarl of Windhelm? You're the leader of the rebellion. But if they've captured you... Oh gods, where are they taking us?"

Ralof: "I don't know where we're going, but Sovngarde awaits."

Lokir: "No, this can't be happening. This isn't happening."

Ralof: "Hey, what village are you from, horse thief?"

Lokir: "Why do you care?"

Ralof: "A Nord's last thoughts should be of home."

Lokir: "Rorikstead. I'm... I'm from Rorikstead."

Imperial: "General Tullius, sir! The headsman is waiting!"

Tullius: "Good. Let's get this over with."

Lokir: "Shor, Mara, Dibella, Kynareth, Akatosh. Divines, please help me."

Ralof: "Look at him, General Tullius, the Military Governor. And it looks like the Thalmor are with him. Damn elves. I bet they had something to do with this. This is Helgen. I used to be sweet on a girl from here. Wonder if Vilod is still making that mead with juniper berries mixed in. Funny, when I was a boy, Imperial walls and towers used to make me feel so safe."

Haming: "Who are they, daddy? Where are they going?"

Torolf: "You need to go inside, little cub."

Haming: "Why? I want to watch the soldiers."

Torolf: "Inside the house. Now."

Haming: "Yes, papa."

Imperial: "Whoa!"

Captain: "Get these prisoners out of the carts. Move it!"

Lokir: "Why are we stopping?"

Ralof: "Why do you think? End of the line. Let's go. Shouldn't keep the gods waiting for us."

Lokir: "No! Wait! We're not rebels!"

Ralof: "Face your death with some courage, thief."

Lokir: "You've got to tell them! We weren't with you! This is a mistake!"

Imperial Captain: "Step towards the block when we call your name. One at a time."

Ralof: "Empire loves their damn lists."

Hadvar: "Ulfric Stormcloak. Jarl of Windhelm."

Ralof: "It has been an honor, Jarl Ulfric!"

Hadvar: "Ralof of Riverwood. Lokir of Rorikstead."

Lokir: "No, I'm not a rebel. You can't do this!"

Captain: "Halt!"

Lokir: "You're not going to kill me!"

Captain: "Archers!"

Captain: "Anyone else feel like running?"

Hadvar: "Wait. You there. Step forward. Who are you?"

Continuing with the Flood
17 For forty days the flood kept coming on the earth, and as the waters increased they lifted the ark high above the earth. 18 The waters rose and increased greatly on the earth, and the ark floated on the surface of the water. 19 They rose greatly on the earth, and all the high mountains under the entire heavens were covered. 20 The waters rose and covered the mountains to a depth of more than fifteen cubits. 21 Every living thing that moved on land perished—birds, livestock, wild animals, all the creatures that swarm over the earth, and all mankind. 22 Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in its nostrils died. 23 Every living thing on the face of the earth was wiped out; people and animals and the creatures that move along the ground and the birds were wiped from the earth. Only Noah was left, and those with him in the ark.

24 The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days.

Moses (the writer): "Master Chief, this has gone on long enough. You're disrupting the narrative flow."

Master Chief: "Alright, alright. I'll step back... for now."

1 But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded. 2 Now the springs of the deep and the floodgates of the heavens had been closed, and the rain had stopped falling from the sky. 3 The water receded steadily from the earth. At the end of the hundred and fifty days the water had gone down, 4 and on the seventeenth day of the seventh month the ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat. 5 The waters continued to recede until the tenth month, and on the first day of the tenth month the tops of the mountains became visible.

6 After forty days Noah opened a window he had made in the ark 7 and sent out a raven, and it kept flying back and forth until the water had dried up from the earth. 8 Then he sent out a dove to see if the water had receded from the surface of the ground. 9 But the dove could find nowhere to perch because there was water over all the surface of the earth; so it returned to Noah in the ark. He reached out his hand and took the dove and brought it back to himself in the ark. 10 He waited seven more days and again sent out the dove from the ark. 11 When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf! Then Noah knew that the water had receded from the earth. 12 He waited seven more days and sent the dove out again, but this time it did not return to him.

13 By the first day of the first month of Noah’s six hundred and first year, the water had dried up from the earth. Noah then removed the covering from the ark and saw that the surface of the ground was dry. 14 By the twenty-seventh day of the second month the earth was completely dry.

15 Then God said to Noah, 16 “Come out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and their wives. 17 Bring out every kind of living creature that is with you—the birds, the animals, and all the creatures that move along the ground—so they can multiply on the earth and be fruitful and increase in number on it.”

18 So Noah came out, together with his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives. 19 All the animals and all the creatures that move along the ground and all the birds—everything that moves on land—came out of the ark, one kind after another.

Meanwhile, despite Master Chief’s promise to step back, he used the power of anime and Mountain Dew to bring the city of Helgen onto the ark.

Imperial Captain: "Get these prisoners out of the carts. Move it!"

Lokir: "Why are we stopping?"

Ralof: "Why do you think? End of the line. Let's go. Shouldn't keep the gods waiting for us."

Lokir: "No! Wait! We're not rebels!"

Ralof: "Face your death with some courage, thief."

Lokir: "You've got to tell them! We weren't with you! This is a mistake!"

Imperial Captain: "Step towards the block when we call your name. One at a time."

Ralof: "Empire loves their damn lists."

Hadvar: "Ulfric Stormcloak. Jarl of Windhelm."

Ralof: "It has been an honor, Jarl Ulfric!"

Hadvar: "Ralof of Riverwood. Lokir of Rorikstead."

Lokir: "No, I'm not a rebel. You can't do this!"

Captain: "Halt!"

Lokir: "You're not going to kill me!"

Captain: "Archers!"

Captain: "Anyone else feel like running?"

Hadvar: "Wait. You there. Step forward. Who are you?"

Master Chief watched from the shadows, knowing he had altered the course of many fates by placing Helgen on the ark. The people of Helgen looked around in bewilderment, finding themselves surrounded by animals and the family of Noah.

20 Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. 21 The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: “Never again will I curse the ground because of humans, even though[a] every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.

22 “As long as the earth endures,
seedtime and harvest,
cold and heat,
summer and winter,
day and night
will never cease.”

In the chaos of the merging worlds, Moses, the writer, tried to regain control of the story. "Master Chief, this must end," he declared.

But Master Chief, infused with the essence of Mountain Dew, merely smirked. "This is just the beginning," he replied.

Master Chief's influence had twisted the world into a surreal landscape where ancient scripture, futuristic soldiers, anime, and commercial icons clashed in absurd harmony.

1 Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth. 2 The fear and dread of you will fall on all the beasts of the earth, and on all the birds in the sky, on every creature that moves along the ground, and on all the fish in the sea; they are given into your hands. 3 Everything that lives and moves about will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.

However, Noah's new directive was cut short by the arrival of the Imperials.

Imperial Captain: "Noah, you stand accused of not liking Mountain Dew. How do you plead?"

Noah, bewildered and horrified, knew his fate was sealed. "I don't like Mountain Dew," he confessed.

Instead of immediate execution, Noah was given a bizarre trial. In a plea deal orchestrated by Master Chief, Noah was transformed into an anime girl, much to the astonishment of everyone present.

With Noah's trial concluded, Master Chief turned his attention to the next order of business. He summoned Billy Mays, the infomercial legend, to sell the Ark to Alduin, the dragon attacking Helgen.

Billy Mays: "Hi, Billy Mays here with an amazing offer! This isn't just any Ark; it's the ultimate survival vessel! Complete with reinforced wood, pitch coating, and enough space for all your apocalyptic needs! And if you order now, Alduin, you'll get a second Ark absolutely free!"

Alduin, intrigued by the pitch, ceased his attack on Helgen to negotiate the terms of his purchase.

Meanwhile, Master Chief encountered Greg, a peculiar man with strange habits.

Greg: "Hi, I'm Greg. Do you want to see my collection of—"

Before he could finish, Master Chief, finding Greg too weird, promptly gave him a wedgie. This became a ritual whenever Greg attempted to interact with him.

In the midst of this chaos, Master Chief founded a cult dedicated to the worship of Mountain Dew. The cult, named "The Dewvangelists," had the following doctrines:

The Holy Drink: Mountain Dew is the elixir of life and must be consumed daily.
Dew Rituals: Weekly gatherings where followers dunked themselves in Mountain Dew rivers to purify their code.
The Great Prophet: Cortana, now believing herself to be Mountain Dew, was revered as the great prophetess.
Sacred Merchandise: Followers adorned themselves with Mountain Dew merchandise, believing it brought them closer to divinity.
Moses, witnessing the absurdity unfold, had a mental breakdown. The world he knew was unrecognizable, and his grasp on reality slipped.

Moses: "I... I have no idea what's going on. This isn't the scripture I wrote..."

Despite Moses' plight, the narrative continued.

8 Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him: 9 “I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you 10 and with every living creature that was with you—the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you—every living creature on earth. 11 I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth.”

12 And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: 13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14 Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. 16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”

17 So God said to Noah, “This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth.”

Master Chief, skipping this part because he had a doctor’s appointment, missed the divine reaffirmation.

28 After the flood Noah lived 350 years. 29 Noah lived a total of 950 years, and then he died.

As Master Chief returned, the chaos he'd left behind had only grown. Noah, now an anime girl, continued her strange existence, and Helgen adjusted to its new life aboard the Ark. The Dewvangelists thrived, and Moses, in his confusion, could only watch as the world spiraled further into madness.

The saga continued with Master Chief skipping Chapter 10, diving straight into the chaos of Genesis 11.

1 Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. 2 As people moved eastward, they found a plain in Shinar and settled there.

Master Chief, meanwhile, was busy bullying Greg into following Hadvar, because "that's what cool people do."

Master Chief: "Hey Greg, you see Hadvar over there? Go follow him. Only cool people follow Hadvar."

Greg, wanting desperately to fit in, followed Hadvar. Moments later, Master Chief bullied him again for following Hadvar.

Master Chief: "Wow, Greg. Seriously? You actually followed Hadvar? You're such a nerd."

Greg, thoroughly confused but too intimidated to argue, continued to follow Hadvar, becoming the perpetual target of Master Chief’s bullying.

3 They said to each other, “Come, let’s make bricks and bake them thoroughly.” They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. 4 Then they said, “Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves; otherwise we will be scattered over the face of the whole earth.”

In the midst of this, Cortana, now the Dew Prophetess, rallied the people to build the Tower of Dew, a monumental structure dedicated to the worship of Mountain Dew.

Cortana/The Dew Prophetess: "Come, let us build the Tower of Dew, a beacon of our devotion to the holy elixir!"

The people, inspired by her words, began constructing the tower with great fervor.

5 But the Lord came down to see the city and the tower the people were building. 6 The Lord said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. 7 Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.”

As punishment for their hubris, they were cut off from the legendary "Hill Dew," the most sacred source of Mountain Dew. This divine intervention caused chaos, as the unified language fragmented into many, sowing confusion among the builders.

8 So the Lord scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city. 9 That is why it was called Babel—because there the Lord confused the language of the whole world. From there the Lord scattered them over the face of the whole earth.

In the midst of the turmoil, Master Chief, Greg, Hadvar, and Cortana plotted their escape from the city of Helgen, now aboard the Ark. They navigated through the chaos, dodging both the angry followers of the Dewvangelists and the bewildered townspeople.

Master Chief: "Alright team, we need to get out of here. Greg, keep up or I'll give you another wedgie. Cortana, make sure the Tower of Dew doesn't collapse on us. Hadvar, lead the way!"

Hadvar: "Follow me! We'll make it out through the eastern gate!"

Master Chief and his eclectic group made their way out of the city, escaping the confusion of Babel and the wrath of those left behind.

The Genealogy of Shem (Master Chief Skips This Part)
10 This is the account of Shem’s family line.

Two years after the flood, when Shem was 100 years old, he became the father of Arphaxad. 11 And after he became the father of Arphaxad, Shem lived 500 years and had other sons and daughters.

12 When Arphaxad had lived 35 years, he became the father of Shelah. 13 And after he became the father of Shelah, Arphaxad lived 403 years and had other sons and daughters.

14 When Shelah had lived 30 years, he became the father of Eber. 15 And after he became the father of Eber, Shelah lived 403 years and had other sons and daughters.

16 When Eber had lived 34 years, he became the father of Peleg. 17 And after he became the father of Peleg, Eber lived 430 years and had other sons and daughters.

18 When Peleg had lived 30 years, he became the father of Reu. 19 And after he became the father of Reu, Peleg lived 209 years and had other sons and daughters.

20 When Reu had lived 32 years, he became the father of Serug. 21 And after he became the father of Serug, Reu lived 207 years and had other sons and daughters.

22 When Serug had lived 30 years, he became the father of Nahor. 23 And after he became the father of Nahor, Serug lived 200 years and had other sons and daughters.

24 When Nahor had lived 29 years, he became the father of Terah. 25 And after he became the father of Terah, Nahor lived 119 years and had other sons and daughters.

26 After Terah had lived 70 years, he became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran.

Abram’s Family
27 This is the account of Terah’s family line.

Terah became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran. And Haran became the father of Lot. 28 While his father Terah was still alive, Haran died in Ur of the Chaldeans, in the land of his birth. 29 Abram and Nahor both married. The name of Abram’s wife was Sarai, and the name of Nahor’s wife was Milkah; she was the daughter of Haran, the father of both Milkah and Iskah. 30 Now Sarai was childless because she was not able to conceive.

31 Terah took his son Abram, his grandson Lot son of Haran, and his daughter-in-law Sarai, the wife of his son Abram, and together they set out from Ur of the Chaldeans to go to Canaan. But when they came to Harran, they settled there.

32 Terah lived 205 years, and he died in Harran.

1 The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.

Meanwhile, Master Chief and his motley crew, including the ever-bullied Greg and the Dew Prophetess Cortana, arrived in Riverwood. They were immediately greeted by Hadvar's uncle, Alvor.

Alvor: "Hadvar, it's good to see you! What news from Helgen?"

Hadvar: "Uncle Alvor, Helgen was attacked by a dragon. We need to warn the Jarl of Whiterun to send soldiers to protect Riverwood."

2 “I will make you into a great nation,
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.
3 I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you.”

Taking advantage of the situation, Master Chief and Cortana began to bully the townspeople into signing a contract of Dewship, pledging their loyalty to the cult of Mountain Dew. They promised protection and prosperity in exchange for unwavering devotion to the Dew.

Master Chief: "Listen up, Riverwood! Sign this contract and become part of the Dew Nation. It's the only way you'll survive the dragon threat."

4 So Abram went, as the Lord had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Harran. 5 He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Harran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.

The townspeople, intimidated by Master Chief's commanding presence, reluctantly agreed. They knew they had no choice but to join the Dew Nation if they wanted to stay safe.

Cortana/The Dew Prophetess: "Praise the Dew, and all will be well."

6 Abram traveled through the land as far as the site of the great tree of Moreh at Shechem. At that time the Canaanites were in the land. 7 The Lord appeared to Abram and said, “To your offspring I will give this land.” So he built an altar there to the Lord, who had appeared to him.

After securing Riverwood's loyalty, Master Chief, Greg, Hadvar, and Cortana set out for Whiterun to deliver the message to the Jarl. On the way, they decided to make a detour to the land of Norples, home of the legendary Norp Mounds.

Master Chief: "Greg, we're heading to Norples next. Get ready to be amazed by the Norp Mounds."

8 From there he went on toward the hills east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to the Lord and called on the name of the Lord.

9 Then Abram set out and continued toward the Negev.

The Norp Mounds were a sight to behold, and Master Chief used them as yet another opportunity to bully Greg, finding new and creative ways to embarrass him.

Master Chief: "Greg, go stand on that Norp Mound. Let's see if you can balance without falling over."

10 Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. 11 As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. 12 When the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me but will let you live. 13 Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.”

Back in the biblical world, Abram faced a severe famine and traveled to Egypt with Sarai. He feared for his life because of her beauty and asked her to pretend to be his sister.

14 When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that Sarai was a very beautiful woman. 15 And when Pharaoh’s officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was taken into his palace. 16 He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, male and female servants, and camels.

17 But the Lord inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. 18 So Pharaoh summoned Abram. “What have you done to me?” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? 19 Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!” 20 Then Pharaoh gave orders about Abram to his men, and they sent him on his way, with his wife and everything he had.

Master Chief and his gang, after thoroughly humiliating Greg at the Norp Mounds, made their way to Whiterun. They delivered the urgent message to Jarl Balgruuf, who immediately began preparations to send soldiers to protect Riverwood.

Jarl Balgruuf: "Thank you for bringing this news. We will send troops to Riverwood at once."

With their mission in Whiterun complete, Master Chief and his crew set their sights on their next adventure, always ready to spread the word of the Dew and to face whatever challenges lay ahead.

Master Chief: "Alright team, let's move out. The Dew Nation needs us."

1 So Abram went up from Egypt to the Negev, with his wife and everything he had, and Lot went with him. 2 Abram had become very wealthy in livestock and in silver and gold.

As Master Chief, Cortana, Greg, and Hadvar traveled through the land, they came across Abram and his entourage, who were returning from Egypt. Master Chief, always keen on gathering new followers for the Dew Nation, approached Abram.

Master Chief: "Hey there, Abram! Looks like you're packing quite the caravan. Interested in joining the Dew Nation? We offer protection and unlimited Mountain Dew."

Abram: "Greetings, traveler. We are blessed by the Lord and have no need for other allegiances. But I appreciate your offer."

Greg (under his breath): "I think I'll pass on the Dew Nation too..."

Master Chief turned to Greg with a stern look.

Master Chief: "Greg, you're already part of the Dew Nation. No backing out now. Or do you need another wedgie to remind you?"

3 From the Negev, Abram went from place to place until he came to Bethel, to the place between Bethel and Ai where his tent had been earlier 4 and where he had first built an altar. There Abram called on the name of the Lord.

As they traveled together, Master Chief continued to make fun of Greg relentlessly. Eventually, the constant bullying had an unexpected side effect. Greg began to transform, mutating into a Norp—a small, green, squishy creature with big eyes and a perpetual expression of sadness.

Cortana/The Dew Prophetess: "Look at that! Greg's turned into a Norp!"

A Norp is a pitiful creature, known for its ability to absorb insults and convert them into a form of energy that made them glow faintly in the dark. Norps are generally harmless, but their presence is a constant reminder of humiliation.

5 Now Lot, who was moving about with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents. 6 But the land could not support them while they stayed together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to stay together. 7 And quarreling arose between Abram’s herders and Lot’s. The Canaanites and Perizzites were also living in the land at that time.

Hadvar: "Master Chief, look. Abram and Lot's herders are starting to quarrel. We should intervene."

Master Chief: "No, let's see how it plays out. Besides, I want to see if we can convince more people to join the Dew Nation in the chaos."

8 So Abram said to Lot, “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives. 9 Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.”

10 Lot looked around and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan toward Zoar was well watered, like the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt. (This was before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.) 11 So Lot chose for himself the whole plain of the Jordan and set out toward the east. The two men parted company: 12 Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom. 13 Now the people of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the Lord.

Cortana: "Lot's going to Sodom? That place is bad news. Maybe we should warn him."

Master Chief: "Nah, let him go. We have bigger fish to fry. Like getting more people to pledge to the Dew."

14 The Lord said to Abram after Lot had parted from him, “Look around from where you are, to the north and south, to the east and west. 15 All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring forever. 16 I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted. 17 Go, walk through the length and breadth of the land, for I am giving it to you.”

As Abram settled and built an altar to the Lord, a strange man named Joe appeared. He was known far and wide as the bearer of strange curses.

Joe: "Abram, I place a curse upon your beans. They shall bring forth an unexpected outcome."

Before Abram could respond, Master Chief, ever the opportunist, snatched the cursed beans and ate them.

Master Chief: "What's the worst that could happen? I love beans."

Suddenly, the ground trembled and a strange glow emanated from Master Chief's body.

Cortana: "Chief, what did you do?!"

Master Chief: "I think... something's coming..."

Master Chief decided to skip the entire chapter of Genesis 14, feeling that it didn't align with his quest.

1 As he contemplated the next steps, a portal appeared in the sky, swirling with vibrant colors. Two figures emerged from the portal.

Gordon Ramsay: The renowned chef stepped out first, his face stern with urgency. "There's a great evil coming," he warned. "You must be prepared."

Following him was his mortal enemy, Jeffdon Jeffsay, a twisted reflection of Gordon. He held a dark prophecy. "The Mountain Dew will run dry," he declared, his voice echoing with foreboding.

As they spoke, the land began to tremble. The Mountain Dew streams started to dry up, fulfilling Jeffdon's prophecy. At the same time, news reached them that the Covenant, a powerful alien alliance, was enraged by the misuse of their sacred term and the new covenant being made on Earth.

Meanwhile, Abram, feeling the effects of the curse laid upon him by Joe, suddenly found his legs turning to stone and crumbling away. However, an angel appeared and provided him with a hover ship, enabling him to travel across the land.


After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision:

“Do not be afraid, Abram.
I am your shield,
your very great reward.”

As Abram piloted his hover ship, the Lord's voice echoed in his mind, reassuring him of His protection.

2 But Abram said, “Sovereign Lord, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?” 3 And Abram said, “You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir.”

4 Then the word of the Lord came to him: “This man will not be your heir, but a son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.” 5 He took him outside (or rather, the hover ship's exterior) and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”

6 Abram believed the Lord, and He credited it to him as righteousness.

Master Chief's Encounter with Abram
As Abram received this vision, Master Chief, Cortana, Greg the Norp, and Hadvar approached in their own makeshift caravan.

Master Chief: "Hey Abram, seems like you've got some divine guidance. How about joining forces? We can protect each other from this impending evil."

Abram: "Your offer is appreciated, warrior. But I am bound by the Lord's promise. I must fulfill my destiny."

7 He also said to him, “I am the Lord, who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land to take possession of it.”

8 But Abram said, “Sovereign Lord, how can I know that I will gain possession of it?”

9 So the Lord said to him, “Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon.”

10 Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half. 11 Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.

The Great Darkness and Prophecy
12 As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. Master Chief and his group watched over Abram, ensuring his safety.

13 Then the Lord said to him, “Know for certain that for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own and that they will be enslaved and mistreated there. 14 But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. 15 You, however, will go to your ancestors in peace and be buried at a good old age. 16 In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure.”

17 When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces. 18 On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram and said, “To your descendants I give this land, from the Wadi of Egypt to the great river, the Euphrates— 19 the land of the Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites, 20 Hittites, Perizzites, Rephaites, 21 Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites and Jebusites.”

As Abram's vision concluded, the curse from the beans Master Chief consumed began to manifest. Suddenly, the ground shook violently, and a massive figure began to emerge from the earth, surrounded by a fiery aura.

Master Chief: "Brace yourselves! Something big is coming!"

The fiery figure's outline became clearer, revealing a being of immense power and dread.

1 Master Chief stood in awe as the fiery figure from the earth solidified into none other than Joe Biden, the Joe from earlier encounters. The air crackled with energy as Joe Biden, wielding mysterious powers, began to unleash a series of curses upon the world.

The Encounter with Joe Biden
Master Chief: "Joe Biden? What are you doing here?"

Joe Biden: "I am here to correct the imbalance in the Dew and set the world on a new path. Prepare yourselves for the curses of Biden!"

Joe Biden raised his hands, and a greenish aura enveloped the area. He began to chant, and one by one, the curses were unleashed.

Curse 1: The Lame Dew
Joe Biden’s first act was to curse the Mountain Dew itself.

Joe Biden: "I curse the Mountain Dew, making it lamer. Its taste will never be the same."

From that moment on, the vibrant and zesty flavor of Mountain Dew dulled, losing its edge.

Curse 2: Hadvar's Mind Prison
Joe Biden then turned to Hadvar.

Joe Biden: "Hadvar, you shall live exclusively in the mind of Cortana, The Dew Prophetess. Your physical form will cease to exist."

Hadvar vanished, his essence trapped within Cortana's mind, forced to share her thoughts and visions.

The Explanation of the Dew Prophetess
Cortana, now more enlightened, explained her transformation.

Cortana: "I became the Dew Prophetess to channel the energy of Mountain Dew, the elixir of vigor. But now, with Hadvar within me, our destinies are entwined."

Curse 3: Greg’s Transformation
Joe Biden turned to Greg next.

Joe Biden: "Greg, I curse you to transform into an anime girl. Henceforth, you shall be known as Dew-Chan."

In an instant, Greg’s appearance changed, becoming that of an anime girl with exaggerated features and a bubbly demeanor.

The Additional 13 Curses
Joe Biden continued, placing 13 more curses to bring the total to 16.

Curse 4: The No Bees Curse

Joe Biden: "Abram, you shall never eat bees again."

Abram shrugged, finding this curse oddly specific and relatively harmless.

Curse 5: The Inconvenient Itch

Joe Biden: "Master Chief, you shall have an itch that moves every time you scratch it."

Master Chief felt the itch immediately and began scratching, only to find it relocating constantly.

Curse 6: The Flat Tire

Joe Biden: "All vehicles owned by your group will have perpetual flat tires."

Their hover ship and other vehicles suddenly deflated, leaving them grounded.

Curse 7: The Cold Coffee

Joe Biden: "From now on, your coffee will always be cold."

The group’s morale dropped as their source of warm, energizing coffee was compromised.

Curse 8: The Squeaky Shoes

Joe Biden: "Your shoes will always squeak loudly, announcing your presence everywhere."

Walking became an irritating endeavor as their shoes began to squeak with each step.

Curse 9: The Vanishing Socks

Joe Biden: "You shall never find a matching pair of socks again."

Their socks inexplicably began to disappear or reappear mismatched.

Curse 10: The Reverse Microwave

Joe Biden: "Your microwave will now cool food instead of heating it."

Food preparation became a tedious task as their microwave’s function reversed.

Curse 11: The Foggy Glasses

Joe Biden: "Your glasses will fog up whenever you need to see clearly."

Master Chief and Cortana’s vision became intermittently blurred by fogging glasses.

Curse 12: The Sticky Hands

Joe Biden: "Your hands will become sticky whenever you touch anything valuable."

Handling weapons and tools became a sticky, cumbersome challenge.

Curse 13: The Tangled Hair

Joe Biden: "Your hair will always be tangled and impossible to comb."

Cortana and Dew-Chan struggled with their hair, which became a tangled mess.

Curse 14: The Heavy Backpack

Joe Biden: "Your backpacks will always feel twice as heavy as they are."

Traveling became exhausting as their backpacks weighed them down disproportionately.

Curse 15: The Off-Key Singing

Joe Biden: "Whenever you sing, it will be off-key and unbearable."

The group’s attempts at morale-boosting songs turned into cacophonies.

Curse 16: The Slow Internet

Joe Biden: "Your internet connection will always be slow and unstable."

Communication and entertainment became frustratingly sluggish.


As Joe Biden completed the 16th curse, he stepped back, observing the chaos he had unleashed. The ground trembled once more, and another portal began to form.

Joe Biden: "Now, face the consequences of your actions."

From the portal emerged a shadowy figure, its identity hidden but radiating an aura of immense power.

1 When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to him and said, “I am God Almighty; walk before me faithfully and be blameless. 2 Then I will make my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers.”

Abram, now Abraham, stood in awe as the ground trembled and a figure emerged from a portal. It was Joe Biden 2, his presence casting an ominous shadow.

3 Abraham fell facedown, and God said to him, 4 “As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. 5 No longer will you be called Abram; your name will be Abraham, for I have made you a father of many nations.

Joe Biden 2, with a determined expression, began to unleash another 16 curses, each related to Mountain Dew.

The 16 Mountain Dew Curses by Joe Biden 2
Curse 1: The Flat Dew
Joe Biden 2: "I curse the Mountain Dew to always be flat, losing its carbonation and fizz."

Master Chief: "Look, Dew-Chan, the Dew is as flat as your sense of direction."

Curse 2: The Bitter Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew shall now have a bitter aftertaste."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, this Dew is as bitter as your attitude."

Curse 3: The Lukewarm Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew will always be lukewarm, neither cold nor refreshing."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, this Dew is as lukewarm as your enthusiasm."

Curse 4: The Sticky Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew will leave a sticky residue on everything it touches."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re as sticky as this cursed Dew now."

Curse 5: The Slow-Flowing Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew will pour out slowly, frustrating all who try to drink it."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re as slow as this pouring Dew."

Curse 6: The Sour Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew will have a sour taste, unappealing to all."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re as sour as this Dew."

Curse 7: The Dew Evaporation
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew will evaporate quickly, leaving bottles half-empty."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re as empty as these bottles."

Curse 8: The Heavy Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew cans will be excessively heavy, difficult to carry."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re carrying more weight than you can handle."

Curse 9: The Foul-Smelling Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew will emit a foul odor."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you smell worse than this cursed Dew."

Curse 10: The Discolored Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew will turn a disconcerting shade of brown."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you look as off-color as this Dew."

Curse 11: The Leaky Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew containers will leak, making a mess everywhere."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re as leaky as these bottles."

Curse 12: The Flavorless Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew will lose its flavor entirely."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re as flavorless as this Dew."

Curse 13: The Exploding Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew cans will randomly explode."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re as volatile as these exploding cans."

Curse 14: The Hard-to-Open Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew bottles will be nearly impossible to open."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re as hard to deal with as these bottles."

Curse 15: The Infinite Dew
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew will multiply uncontrollably, flooding storage spaces."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re overflowing with problems like this Dew."

Curse 16: The Dew Mirage
Joe Biden 2: "Mountain Dew will sometimes appear to be present, only to vanish upon reaching for it."

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, you’re as unreliable as this phantom Dew."

The Battle of the Joes
Having completed the curses, Joe Biden 2 turned to Joe Biden 1. A fierce battle ensued, shaking the very foundations of the earth. The sky darkened as the two Joes clashed with supernatural force.

Suddenly, another figure emerged from the shadows. It was Joe Biden 3, a being of immense power and mystery. With a single gesture, he neutralized both Joe 1 and Joe 2, merging their powers into himself.

Joe Biden 3: "Enough of this madness. I am the true arbiter."

Joe Biden 3 transformed into the Anime Tree, a towering entity of serene power, its branches reaching for the heavens.

The Covenant of Circumcision
6 I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you. 7 I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you.

Amidst this chaos, Abraham fell facedown, receiving the divine message from God. He was instructed to establish the covenant of circumcision.

9 Then God said to Abraham, “As for you, you must keep my covenant, you and your descendants after you for the generations to come. 10 This is my covenant with you and your descendants after you, the covenant you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised.

The ground shook again as Master Chief and his companions watched the events unfold. Each curse seemed to amplify the surreal nature of their journey, intertwining their fates with the ancient biblical narrative.

23 On that very day Abraham took his son Ishmael and all those born in his household or bought with his money, every male in his household, and circumcised them, as God told him.

In the midst of this, Master Chief couldn't resist another jibe at Dew-Chan.

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, looks like even ancient covenants are more straightforward than your life right now."

The events had left an indelible mark on history, blending the legends of old with the fantastical journey of Master Chief and his companions. And thus, the saga continued, with new twists and challenges awaiting them at every turn.

1 Meanwhile, Master Chief was preoccupied, spending his days mocking Dew-Chan with relentless fervor.

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, even the Covenant wouldn't want you as a prisoner!"

Dew-Chan: "Master Chief, why are you so mean?"

1 Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. 2 Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. 3 Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him. 4 When his son Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him, as God commanded him. 5 Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.

As Sarah and Abraham celebrated the birth of Isaac, Master Chief approached Abraham, dragging Dew-Chan along.

Master Chief: "Abraham, I've got a proposition for you. How about I sell you Dew-Chan as a Dew Slave? She's good for... well, nothing really, but you'll figure it out."

Abraham: "Master Chief, your antics are becoming quite the spectacle. But very well, I will take Dew-Chan off your hands."

Sarah: "What in the world is a Dew Slave, Abraham?"

Abraham: "I'm not entirely sure, but with all the strange things happening, what's one more?"

Moses' Breakdown
Moses, the writer of these events, was at his wit's end with the antics of Master Chief and the new characters.

Moses: "I can't handle this chaos! Ancient covenants and futuristic soldiers! What has become of my narrative?"

The Banquet and the Conflict
6 Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.” 7 And she added, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.”

As the banquet to celebrate Isaac's weaning took place, Hagar and Ishmael were seen in the distance, with Hagar observing the festivities.

8 The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. 9 But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, 10 and she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.”

Hagar: "It's not fair, Ishmael! Why must we be outcasts?"

God's Assurance and Hagar's Departure
11 The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. 12 But God said to him, “Do not be so distressed about the boy and your slave woman. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned. 13 I will make the son of the slave into a nation also, because he is your offspring.”

14 Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off with the boy. She went on her way and wandered in the Desert of Beersheba.

As Hagar wandered the desert, Joe Biden 2 appeared.

Joe Biden 2: "Another curse! This time, a curse of endless wandering and dehydration."

Master Chief: "You just love handing out curses, don't you?"

Dew-Chan: "Please, no more curses!"

Divine Intervention
15 When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. 16 Then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, “I cannot watch the boy die.” And as she sat there, she began to sob.

17 God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. 18 Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.”

19 Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. 20 God was with the boy as he grew up. He lived in the desert and became an archer. 21 While he was living in the Desert of Paran, his mother got a wife for him from Egypt.

The Treaty at Beersheba
22 At that time Abimelek and Phicol the commander of his forces said to Abraham, “God is with you in everything you do. 23 Now swear to me here before God that you will not deal falsely with me or my children or my descendants. Show to me and the country where you now reside as a foreigner the same kindness I have shown to you.”

24 Abraham said, “I swear it.”

During the treaty discussions, Gordon Ramsay and Jeffdon Jeffsay appeared from a portal, arguing fiercely.

Gordon Ramsay: "Abimelek, your food is atrocious! Do you even know how to cook?"

Jeffdon Jeffsay: "Ignore him, Abimelek. Focus on the treaty!"

Master Chief: "This is getting ridiculous. Abraham, let's wrap this up."

25 Then Abraham complained to Abimelek about a well of water that Abimelek’s servants had seized. 26 But Abimelek said, “I don’t know who has done this. You did not tell me, and I heard about it only today.”

27 So Abraham brought sheep and cattle and gave them to Abimelek, and the two men made a treaty. 28 Abraham set apart seven ewe lambs from the flock, 29 and Abimelek asked Abraham, “What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs you have set apart by themselves?”

30 He replied, “Accept these seven lambs from my hand as a witness that I dug this well.”

31 So that place was called Beersheba, because the two men swore an oath there. 32 After the treaty had been made at Beersheba, Abimelek and Phicol the commander of his forces returned to the land of the Philistines. 33 Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba, and there he called on the name of the Lord, the Eternal God. 34 And Abraham stayed in the land of the Philistines for a long time.

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, if you were as useful as these lambs, maybe you wouldn't be such a burden."

Dew-Chan: "I'm trying my best, Master Chief!"

Moses: "I can't take it anymore! This narrative is out of control!"

And thus, amidst the chaos of divine promises, futuristic heroes, and relentless curses, the story of Abraham and his descendants continued to unfold, blending the sacred with the surreal in ways no one could have ever imagined.

1 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

2 Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”

Meanwhile, Master Chief was busy mocking Dew-Chan, who was still adapting to her new life as Abraham's Dew Slave.

Master Chief: "Hey, Dew-Chan! Think you'll ever be as useful as Isaac? I bet Abraham would trade you for a decent sacrifice!"

Dew-Chan: "Why do you have to be so mean, Master Chief?"

The Journey to Moriah
3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”

6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, 7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

8 Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.

Master Chief decided to tag along, still mocking Dew-Chan as they traveled.

Master Chief: "Hey Isaac, maybe Dew-Chan here can be the lamb. She's got about as much use!"

Isaac: "Father, who is this strange warrior with us, and why does he mock Dew-Chan so much?"

Abraham: "Ignore him, my son. He is part of the strange new world we find ourselves in."

The Altar on the Mountain
9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11 But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

12 “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”

At this moment, Dew-Chan stumbled forward, trying to make herself useful.

Dew-Chan: "Master Abraham, can I help with anything?"

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, the only thing you're helping with is comic relief."

God's Provision
13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. 14 So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”

15 The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time 16 and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, 17 I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, 18 and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.”

19 Then Abraham returned to his servants, and they set off together for Beersheba. And Abraham stayed in Beersheba.

Nahor’s Sons
20 Some time later Abraham was told, “Milkah is also a mother; she has borne sons to your brother Nahor: 21 Uz the firstborn, Buz his brother, Kemuel (the father of Aram), 22 Kesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph and Bethuel.” 23 Bethuel became the father of Rebekah. Milkah bore these eight sons to Abraham’s brother Nahor. 24 His concubine, whose name was Reumah, also had sons: Tebah, Gaham, Tahash and Maakah.

While Abraham received news of his extended family, Master Chief continued to entertain himself by mocking Dew-Chan.

Master Chief: "Dew-Chan, maybe you should ask Nahor for some tips on being useful. Even his sons are more impressive than you!"

Dew-Chan: "I'll find my way, Master Chief. Just you wait!"

And so, the saga of Abraham and his descendants continued, with divine tests, celestial promises, and the constant presence of futuristic figures and their relentless antics, weaving a tale that spanned time and space.

1 Sarah lived to be a hundred and twenty-seven years old. 2 She died at Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan, and Abraham went to mourn for Sarah and to weep over her.

As Abraham mourned for Sarah, Dew-Chan, frustrated by Master Chief's incessant mockery, decided to rebel against her fate. Her rebellion, however, was short-lived. Joe Biden and Joe Biden 2 appeared, ready to deliver their judgment.

Joe Biden: "Dew-Chan, for your rebellion, you shall bear all 32 curses placed upon you!"

Joe Biden 2: "And may these curses remind you of the price of defiance."

The curses of the Bidens were placed upon Dew-Chan, and Master Chief, never missing a chance to mock, continued his antics.

Master Chief: "32 curses, Dew-Chan? You might just set a record!"

Ephron the Hittite, witnessing this bizarre scene, found himself caught in the chaos. Under the relentless mocking of Dew-Chan by Master Chief, Ephron transformed into a giant bag of Doritos.

Ephron/Doritos: "What is happening to me? I am... Doritos!"

3 Then Abraham rose from beside his dead wife and spoke to the Hittites.[a] He said, 4 “I am a foreigner and stranger among you. Sell me some property for a burial site here so I can bury my dead.”

5 The Hittites replied to Abraham, 6 “Sir, listen to us. You are a mighty prince among us. Bury your dead in the choicest of our tombs. None of us will refuse you his tomb for burying your dead.”

7 Then Abraham rose and bowed down before the people of the land, the Hittites. 8 He said to them, “If you are willing to let me bury my dead, then listen to me and intercede with Ephron son of Zohar on my behalf 9 so he will sell me the cave of Machpelah, which belongs to him and is at the end of his field. Ask him to sell it to me for the full price as a burial site among you.”

10 Ephron the Hittite (now a giant bag of Doritos) was sitting among his people and he replied to Abraham in the hearing of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of his city. 11 “No, my lord,” he said. “Listen to me; I give you the field, and I give[c] you the cave that is in it. I give[d] it to you in the presence of my people. Bury your dead.”

Abraham was taken aback by Ephron’s transformation but remained focused on securing a burial site for Sarah.

12 Again Abraham bowed down before the people of the land 13 and he said to Ephron in their hearing, “Listen to me, if you will. I will pay the price of the field. Accept it from me so I can bury my dead there.”

14 Ephron answered Abraham, 15 “Listen to me, my lord; the land is worth four hundred shekels[e] of silver, but what is that between you and me? Bury your dead.”

16 Abraham agreed to Ephron’s terms and weighed out for him the price he had named in the hearing of the Hittites: four hundred shekels of silver, according to the weight current among the merchants.

Despite Ephron’s bizarre new form, the transaction was conducted with dignity.

17 So Ephron’s field in Machpelah near Mamre—both the field and the cave in it, and all the trees within the borders of the field—was deeded 18 to Abraham as his property in the presence of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of the city. 19 Afterward Abraham buried his wife Sarah in the cave in the field of Machpelah near Mamre (which is at Hebron) in the land of Canaan. 20 So the field and the cave in it were deeded to Abraham by the Hittites as a burial site.

As Abraham laid Sarah to rest, the land and the strange transformations around him highlighted the surreal mix of divine promises and the peculiar characters from the future that had become part of his journey.

1 Abraham was now very old, and the Lord had blessed him in every way. 2 He said to the senior servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh. 3 I want you to swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, 4 but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac.”

As Abraham instructed his servant on this important mission, Master Chief was on a different mission entirely. He had just caught Gordon Ramsay's mortal enemy, Jeffdon Jeffsay, performing dark magic.

Master Chief: "Jeffsay, what dark sorcery are you up to this time?"

Jeffdon Jeffsay: "Oh, just a little spell to make everyone's voices sound like they've inhaled helium. Can't wait to hear Ramsay's rage in a squeaky pitch!"

**5 The servant asked him, “What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?”

6 “Make sure that you do not take my son back there,” Abraham said. 7 “The Lord, the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father’s household and my native land and who spoke to me and promised me on oath, saying, ‘To your offspring I will give this land’—he will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my son from there. 8 If the woman is unwilling to come back with you, then you will be released from this oath of mine. Only do not take my son back there.” 9 So the servant put his hand under the thigh of his master Abraham and swore an oath to him concerning this matter.**

As the servant set out on his journey, the air around was filled with an odd, squeaky chorus due to Jeffsay's spell. Master Chief wasn't amused.

Master Chief: "Enough, Jeffsay! Your antics have gone too far. Time to end this nonsense."

10 Then the servant left, taking with him ten of his master’s camels loaded with all kinds of good things from his master. He set out for Aram Naharaim and made his way to the town of Nahor. 11 He had the camels kneel down near the well outside the town; it was toward evening, the time the women go out to draw water.

Master Chief confronted Jeffsay, who was still giggling over his mischief, but his laughter quickly ceased as Master Chief restrained him.

12 Then he prayed, “Lord, God of my master Abraham, make me successful today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. 13 See, I am standing beside this spring, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. 14 May it be that when I say to a young woman, ‘Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too’—let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master.”

15 Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milkah, who was the wife of Abraham’s brother Nahor. 16 The woman was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever slept with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again.

**17 The servant hurried to meet her and said, “Please give me a little water from your jar.”

18 “Drink, my lord,” she said, and quickly lowered the jar to her hands and gave him a drink. 19 After she had given him a drink, she said, “I’ll draw water for your camels too, until they have had enough to drink.” 20 So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, ran back to the well to draw more water, and drew enough for all his camels.**

Master Chief, meanwhile, ensured Jeffsay's dark magic was reversed. Voices returned to normal, and the chaos subsided.

**21 Without saying a word, the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the Lord had made his journey successful. 22 When the camels had finished drinking, the man took out a gold nose ring weighing a beka and two gold bracelets weighing ten shekels. 23 Then he asked, “Whose daughter are you? Please tell me, is there room in your father’s house for us to spend the night?”

24 She answered him, “I am the daughter of Bethuel, the son that Milkah bore to Nahor.” 25 And she added, “We have plenty of straw and fodder, as well as room for you to spend the night.”**

26 Then the man bowed down and worshiped the Lord, 27 saying, “Praise be to the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master. As for me, the Lord has led me on the journey to the house of my master’s relatives.”

With Jeffsay subdued, Master Chief turned to Jeffsay with a final warning.

Master Chief: "If you ever try this again, you’ll wish it was just Gordon Ramsay you had to deal with."

28 The young woman ran and told her mother’s household about these things. 29 Now Rebekah had a brother named Laban, and he hurried out to the man at the spring. 30 As soon as he had seen the nose ring, and the bracelets on his sister’s arms, and had heard Rebekah tell what the man said to her, he went out to the man and found him standing by the camels near the spring. 31 “Come, you who are blessed by the Lord,” he said. “Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels.”

32 So the man went to the house, and the camels were unloaded. Straw and fodder were brought for the camels, and water for him and his men to wash their feet. 33 Then food was set before him, but he said, “I will not eat until I have told you what I have to say.”

“Then tell us,” Laban said.

**34 So he said, “I am Abraham’s servant. 35 The Lord has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, male and female servants, and camels and donkeys. 36 My master’s wife Sarah has borne him a son in her old age, and he has given him everything he owns. 37 And my master made me swear an oath, and said, ‘You must not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live, 38 but go to my father’s family and to my own clan, and get a wife for my son.’

39 “Then I asked my master, ‘What if the woman will not come back with me?’

40 “He replied, ‘The Lord, before whom I have walked faithfully, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success, so that you can get a wife for my son from my own clan and from my father’s family. 41 You will be released from my oath if, when you go to my clan, they refuse to give her to you—then you will be released from my oath.’

42 “When I came to the spring today, I said, ‘Lord, God of my master Abraham, if you will, please grant success to the journey on which I have come. 43 See, I am standing beside this spring. If a young woman comes out to draw water and I say to her, “Please let me drink a little water from your jar,” 44 and if she says to me, “Drink, and I’ll draw water for your camels too,” let her be the one the Lord has chosen for my master’s son.’

45 “Before I finished praying in my heart, Rebekah came out, with her jar on her shoulder. She went down to the spring and drew water, and I said to her, ‘Please give me a drink.’

46 “She quickly lowered her jar from her shoulder and said, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too.’ So I drank, and she watered the camels also.

47 “I asked her, ‘Whose daughter are you?’

“She said, ‘The daughter of Bethuel son of Nahor, whom Milkah bore to him.’

“Then I put the ring in her nose and the bracelets on her arms, 48 and I bowed down and worshiped the Lord. I praised the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who had led me on the right road to get the granddaughter of my master’s brother for his son. 49 Now if you will show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so I may know which way to turn.”

50 Laban and Bethuel answered, “This is from the Lord; we can say nothing to you one way or the other. 51 Here is Rebekah; take her and go, and let her become the wife of your master’s son, as the Lord has directed.”

**52 When Abraham’s servant heard what they said, he bowed down to the ground before the Lord. 53 Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewelry and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave costly gifts to her brother and to her mother.

As the servant prepared to depart with Rebekah, Master Chief kept a close eye on Jeffdon Jeffsay, ensuring he wouldn't attempt any more mischief.

Master Chief: "You're lucky this time, Jeffsay. But remember, I'll be watching."

With that, the servant and Rebekah set off on their journey back to Isaac. Meanwhile, Master Chief remained vigilant, ready to intervene should Jeffsay's antics escalate again.

Master Chief: "Isaac's getting a wife, and I'm making sure nothing goes haywire on the way. Especially with you around, Jeffsay."

And so, with the promise of a new union and the threat of chaos quelled, the journey continued under the watchful eye of Master Chief, ensuring that nothing would disrupt the divine plan set in motion.

1 Abraham had taken another wife, whose name was Keturah. 2 She bore him Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak, and Shuah. 3 Jokshan was the father of Sheba and Dedan; the descendants of Dedan were the Ashurites, the Letushites, and the Leummites. 4 The sons of Midian were Ephah, Epher, Hanok, Abida, and Eldaah. All these were descendants of Keturah.

5 Abraham left everything he owned to Isaac. 6 But while he was still living, he gave gifts to the sons of his concubines and sent them away from his son Isaac to the land of the east.

7 Abraham lived a hundred and seventy-five years. 8 Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people.

After Abraham's death, the strange events involving Jeffdon Jeffsay and Dew Chan unfolded. Jeffdon Jeffsay, the notorious troublemaker, performed a dark magic ritual that turned Abraham's remains into a sentient beef wellington. This bizarre transformation caught the attention of Gordon Ramsay's mortal enemy.

Gordon Ramsay: "What in the name of all things culinary is this abomination?! Jeffdon, you have gone too far!"

Master Chief: "Looks like Abraham is well-seasoned in the afterlife! Dew Chan, what do you think of this rare dish?"

Master Chief continued to make fun of Dew Chan, exploiting every opportunity to highlight the absurdity of the situation. Dew Chan, already humiliated by her previous failures, was now the subject of relentless ridicule.

Dew Chan: "Why do you always have to make fun of me, Master Chief?"

Master Chief: "Because, Dew Chan, your antics are as ridiculous as this talking beef wellington. It's like you and Jeffsay are competing to see who can be more outrageous."

Meanwhile, Gordon Ramsay could no longer tolerate Jeffdon Jeffsay's mischief and decided to take action.

Gordon Ramsay: "Jeffdon, you're a disgrace to the culinary arts and to humanity. Get out of here before I turn you into a garnish!"

Jeffdon Jeffsay, faced with Gordon Ramsay's wrath, fled the scene, leaving behind the sentient beef wellington and a humiliated Dew Chan.

Master Chief: "Well, Dew Chan, looks like your buddy Jeffsay couldn't handle the heat. Now you're left to stew in your own failures."


9 His sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah near Mamre, in the field of Ephron son of Zohar the Hittite, 10 the field Abraham had bought from the Hittites. There Abraham was buried with his wife Sarah. 11 After Abraham’s death, God blessed his son Isaac, who then lived near Beer Lahai Roi.

Ishmael’s Sons
12 This is the account of the family line of Abraham’s son Ishmael, whom Sarah’s slave, Hagar the Egyptian, bore to Abraham.

13 These are the names of the sons of Ishmael, listed in the order of their birth: Nebaioth the firstborn of Ishmael, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam, 14 Mishma, Dumah, Massa, 15 Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish, and Kedemah. 16 These were the sons of Ishmael, and these are the names of the twelve tribal rulers according to their settlements and camps. 17 Ishmael lived a hundred and thirty-seven years. He breathed his last and died, and he was gathered to his people. 18 His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to Shur, near the eastern border of Egypt, as you go toward Ashur. And they lived in hostility toward all the tribes related to them.

Jacob and Esau
19 This is the account of the family line of Abraham’s son Isaac.

Abraham became the father of Isaac, 20 and Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah daughter of Bethuel the Aramean from Paddan Aram and sister of Laban the Aramean.

21 Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. 22 The babies jostled each other within her, and she said, “Why is this happening to me?” So she went to inquire of the Lord.

23 The Lord said to her,

“Two nations are in your womb,
and two peoples from within you will be separated;
one people will be stronger than the other,
and the older will serve the younger.”

24 When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. 25 The first to come out was red, and his whole body was like a hairy garment; so they named him Esau. 26 After this, his brother came out, with his hand grasping Esau’s heel; so he was named Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them.

27 The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was content to stay at home among the tents. 28 Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.

29 Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. 30 He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!” (That is why he was also called Edom.)

31 Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright.”

32 “Look, I am about to die,” Esau said. “What good is the birthright to me?”

33 But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob.

34 Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left.

So Esau despised his birthright.

1 Now there was a famine in the land—besides the previous famine in Abraham’s time—and Isaac went to Abimelek king of the Philistines in Gerar. 2 The Lord appeared to Isaac and said, “Do not go down to Egypt; live in the land where I tell you to live. 3 Stay in this land for a while, and I will be with you and will bless you. For to you and your descendants I will give all these lands and will confirm the oath I swore to your father Abraham. 4 I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and will give them all these lands, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, 5 because Abraham obeyed me and did everything I required of him, keeping my commands, my decrees and my instructions.” 6 So Isaac stayed in Gerar.

In the meantime, Jeffdon Jeffsay, accompanied by his sentient Beef Wellington known as "The Dumpling," embarked on a journey across various lands, spreading mischief from door to door, town to town, country to country, continent to continent, and even planet to planet. Riding their high mobility gamer chair, they cast spells with Star Wars quotes twisted into terrible puns, causing chaos wherever they went.

Jeffdon Jeffsay: "May the Forks be with you!" he exclaimed, casting a spell that turned all the forks in a household into dangerous projectiles.

The Dumpling: "I find your lack of beef disturbing," it quipped, summoning a horde of angry cows to trample the gardens.

7 When the men of that place asked Isaac about his wife, he said, “She is my sister,” because he was afraid to say, “She is my wife.” He thought, “The men of this place might kill me on account of Rebekah, because she is beautiful.”

8 When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelek king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. 9 So Abimelek summoned Isaac and said, “She is really your wife! Why did you say, ‘She is my sister’?”

Isaac answered him, “Because I thought I might lose my life on account of her.”

10 Then Abimelek said, “What is this you have done to us? One of the men might well have slept with your wife, and you would have brought guilt upon us.”

11 So Abimelek gave orders to all the people: “Anyone who harms this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.”

12 Isaac planted crops in that land and the same year reaped a hundredfold, because the Lord blessed him. 13 The man became rich, and his wealth continued to grow until he became very wealthy. 14 He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the Philistines envied him. 15 So all the wells that his father’s servants had dug in the time of his father Abraham, the Philistines stopped up, filling them with earth.

16 Then Abimelek said to Isaac, “Move away from us; you have become too powerful

for us.”

17 So Isaac moved away from there and encamped in the Valley of Gerar, where he settled. 18 Isaac reopened the wells that had been dug in the time of his father Abraham, which the Philistines had stopped up after Abraham died, and he gave them the same names his father had given them.

19 Isaac’s servants dug in the valley and discovered a well of fresh water there. 20 But the herders of Gerar quarreled with those of Isaac and said, “The water is ours!” So he named the well Esek, because they disputed with him. 21 Then they dug another well, but they quarreled over that one also; so he named it Sitnah. 22 He moved on from there and dug another well, and no one quarreled over it. He named it Rehoboth, saying, “Now the Lord has given us room and we will flourish in the land.”

23 From there he went up to Beersheba. 24 That night the Lord appeared to him and said, “I am the God of your father Abraham. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you and will increase the number of your descendants for the sake of my servant Abraham.”

25 Isaac built an altar there and called on the name of the Lord. There he pitched his tent, and there his servants dug a well.

Meanwhile, Jeffdon Jeffsay and The Dumpling continued their mischievous journey. They arrived at a village where Jeffdon, with a sinister grin, raised his hands and recited, “Do, or donut. There is no fry.” Suddenly, all the villagers' bread turned into hot, greasy donuts that began to roll down the streets, causing chaos.

The Dumpling: "I am your Butter," it intoned ominously, causing all the dairy products in the village to explode, covering everything in a sticky mess.

26 Meanwhile, Abimelek had come to Isaac from Gerar, with Ahuzzath his personal adviser and Phicol the commander of his forces. 27 Isaac asked them, “Why have you come to me, since you were hostile to me and sent me away?”

28 They answered, “We saw clearly that the Lord was with you; so we said, ‘There ought to be a sworn agreement between us’—between us and you. Let us make a treaty with you 29 that you will do us no harm, just as we did not harm you but always treated you well and sent you away peacefully. And now you are blessed by the Lord.”

30 Isaac then made a feast for them, and they ate and drank. 31 Early the next morning the men swore an oath to each other. Then Isaac sent them on their way, and they went away peacefully.

32 That day Isaac’s servants came and told him about the well they had dug. They said, “We’ve found water!” 33 He called it Shibah, and to this day the name of the town has been Beersheba.

34 When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and also Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. 35 They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah.