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报告翻译问题

I invited him to my house for a csgo lan party. He said he was coming so i was looking forward to meeting him in real life.
When he arrived at my house, he pushed me against the wall and started nibbling my ear, i felt his hard♥♥♥♥♥♥push against my leg. I punched him and then 1 tapped him. Turns out he was gay. Don't trust this guy
▉▉▉▉▉◤┳┻┳◥▉▉▉▉▉
▉▉▉▉◤┳┻┳┻┳◥▉▉▉▉ Copy and paste this on the walls of the 5
▉▉▉◤┳━┳━┳━┳◥▉▉▉
▉▉◤┳┃┈( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)┈┃┳◥▉▉most MLG m80s you know or you
▉◤┳┻╰━━━━━╯┻┳◥▉
◤┳┻┳┻┳┻┳┻┳┻┳┻┳◥ will be 420 360 MLG smokeweedevrydey qu1cksc0p3d by
FaZe
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┃ ● ══ ┃
┃██████████┃
┃██████████┃
┃██████████┃
┃█ ur adopted. █┃
┃█ -Mom&Dad █┃
┃██████████┃
┃██████████┃
┃██████████┃
┃ ○ ┃
╰━━━━━━━╯
⊂_ヽ
\\
\( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
⌒ヽ
/ へ\
/ / \\
レ ノ ヽ_つ
/ /
/ /|
( (ヽ
| |、\
| 丿 \ ⌒)
| | ) /
`ノ ) Lノ
(_/
Watcha gunna do bout' it ?
A) Give him a blowjob ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
B) Welcome him in and offer him crystal meth
C) Murder him
D) Let him brutally rape you ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
E) Tell him that you have Ebola
F) Call da Police!
G) Run and scream like a little ♥♥♥♥♥
H) Give him an orgasmic butt slap ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
< >
+rep
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at times