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报告翻译问题

I have promised myself to never watch things like two girls one cup etc. but this video was close to it.
This is how I imagine two girls one cup in respect to quality, just with literal ♥♥♥♥ instead of metaphorical.
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youve been visited by the fedora of mystery and autism! tip yours to 5 friends or you'll be haunted by the spirit of fashionable wear
she sed "bbz wil u luv me 4evr"
he said "NO..""
da gurl cryed N ran accross da rode b4 da green man came on the sine.
she got hit bi a CAR.
boy was cryin and went to pic up her body.
she was ded.
he whsipered 2 her corpse
"I ment 2 sey I will luv u FIVE-ever......" (dat mean he luv her moar dan 4evr....)
post to 5 oter profilez if this made u cry
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IF THOU EST WORTHY OF THE TITLE OF GANGSTER, THY SHALL INFORM 5 NOBLE PEOPLE THAT YOU BELIEVE THEY FULFILL THE REQUIREMENTS TO BE CONSIDERED A "GANGSTER" AS WELL. HOWEVER, IF THY REFUSES OR IS UNABLE TO INFORM THE AFORMENTIONED 5 PEOPLE BY NIGHTFALL, THOU SHALT BE STRICKEN DOWN BY MEN IN CHARIOTS POSSESSING GUNPOWDER WEAPONRY. I BID YOU FAREWELL, PERSON OF AFRICAN DECENT
I got the phrase "turn right at next whenever"
and then really wanted to find a situation to use it.
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^|
|SEXY TRUCK | '|""";.., ___.
|_..._...______===|= _|__|..., ] |
"(@ )'(@ )""""*|(@ )(@ )*****(@
ONCE YOU'VE BEEN HIT, YOU HAVE TO HIT 8 PEOPLE! IF YOU GET HIT AGAIN YOU'LL KNO YOUR REALLI sexy! IF YOU BRAKE THE cHAIN, YOULL BE CURSED WITH UN*SEXYNESS FOR 10 YEARS SO PASS IT HIT WHO EVER YOU THINK IS sexy"
\.-./
((_))
/ '-'\
WE GOTTA MOVE THAT GEAR UP TOGETHER
WE WRENCH TOGETHER
WE DIE TOGETHER
Send this STICKYBOMB to every pistolier you care about during this update. See how many times you get this, if you get DOMINATED your A TRUE PISTOLA ENGINEER
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BILLY MAYS WATCHES YOU SLEEP