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报告翻译问题

-based ppl
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1. For a year and two months he sold me pot but it was actually just stale oregano. I never noticed the difference because I'm a really cool straight edge kid. I must've spent about close to $2000 on his ♥♥♥♥♥♥ old spices dressed up as Marijuanas.
2. I'm a gentle sensitive little boy and his abrasive sense of humor deeply hurt my feelings on a daily basis. One day in particular I was so hurt I tried to overdose on the sham weed he sold me and all it did was make me smell like a poorly made Italian dish for a week and a half.
3. He lives in Washington and only evil pot smokers live in Washington. In case you haven't heard THAT'S A SIN AGAINST THE GREAT LORD JÉSUS! Jésus sacrificed his life tending to our lawns and other various yard work, but do these Washington people care? No they don't because they're awful people!