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报告翻译问题

ABOUT THOSE FEET PICS I'VE SENT YOU.
I HAVE MY COMMISSIONS ACCOUNT STOLEN BY SOME HACKER
SO U WILL NOT RECIEVE THE WEEKLY FEE.
If a man builds a thousand bridges and sucks one ♥♥♥♥, they don't call him a bridge-builder.
Long ago, in my homeland of Oolacile, I was beset by a creature of the Abyss.
I would have perished then, were it not for the great knight Artorias.
In truth, I saw little of what transpired, for mine senses were already fled!
But even still, there was something about Artorias… A certain balance of the humours…
…That quite perfectly fits your semblance. Heavens, could it be that…
Oh, dear me. That was Oolacile, many centuries ago. Please excuse my fanciful musings.
I'm putting this offer on the table. Fight me 1 on 1. Red sign only. No healing. We'll see who will win.
/[T]\
lol
11:18 AM - Ickbarr ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ: You're a goat and you have to go across the land known as "Chernarus" and gather all 12 mana crystals in order to defeat the evil ruler known as mark zuckerburg. join ryuko on her adventure as a goat to find all 12 mana crystals and ressurect senketsu. there is also an alternate story line where you can eradicate all immigrants in the new goat world
11:21 AM - wow! such Nui: well, that's certainly an interesting plot story for a game