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报告翻译问题

My boss caught me watching a hottub streamer during work and he squeezed my hog so hard and wouldn't even stop after I banned him.
My brother Cornelius Bartholomew Anderson ringle got caught in an alberian twitch prime and bits scam and got sent to the gulag, but we've snuck him a Nokia 3310 in his ass with a spoon that he'll be using to plan a breakout with my cousin longsdale dimmsdimone slingle.
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..._.....____________________, ,
....../ `---___________----_____] = = = = = D
...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______.:/
.....), ---.(_(__) /
....// (..) ), ----"
...//___//
..//___//
.//___//
WE ARE TRUE HOMIE'S...
WE RIDE TOGETHER...
WE DIE TOGETHER...
Send this gun to everyone you care about including me if you care about me. See how many times you get this, if you get 12 your a 'TRUE HOMIE'.