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报告翻译问题

Now that we both established that its my first cake day and ive never gotten an award, then i believe youd agree with me when i say that you should give me gold. Am i not correct? A kind stranger would give me gold ad it is my cake day, you are the kind stranger, so i am the one who should get the gold.
So I (74M) was recently hit by a car (2014 Honda) and died. My wife (5F) organized me a funeral (cost $2747) without asking me (74M) at all. I (74M) was unable to make it because I (74M) was dead (17 days). At the funeral I heard my dad (15M) and other family members talking about how they wish I could be there and now I feel bad for not showing up. AITA?
Edit: u/RadGlitch (6 years old) and an anonymous Reddit user are NTA for giving me gold (500 Reddit coins) and platinum (1800 Reddit coins)
Now that you have read these holy words, you have 8 days to repost this on 3 different profiles, and you and the love of your dreams will find each other within 8 weeks. If you should fail, this offer will never be available again
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_ ▉ ████████◣ ▃、 ◢███▊███
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uwu you're so warm
Couldn't help but notice your bulge from across the floor
Nuzzles your necky wecky ~murr~ teehee
( ͡⚆ ͜ʖ ͡⚆)╭∩╮
Spirityy:
♥♥♥♥♥ are so cute omg(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) when you hold one in your hand and it starts twitching its like its nuzzling you(/ω\) or when they perk up and look at you like owo nya? :3c hehe ~ penis-kun is happy to see me!!(*^ワ^* awhhhh!~ *nuzzles u back and pounces on u and notices your buldge* OwO what's this...?
Now that you have read these holy words, you have 8 days to repost this on 3 different profiles, and you and the love of your dreams will find each other within 8 weeks. If you should fail, this offer will never be available again