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报告翻译问题

So, guys, you see a hot girl and say “wow that girl is hot.” You’re straight because you like hot girls? You’re 50% wrong! Half of that girls looks came form her daddy’s ballsack! Half of her looks came from a GUY! And guess what, you called her hot, and half of HER is from a MALE making YOU bisexual.
So, girls, you see a hot guy and say “wow that guy is hot.” You’re straight because you like hot guys? You are ALSO 50% wrong! Half of that guys looks and DNA came from his mommy’s vagina! Guess what, you called him hot, as half of HIM is from a FEMALE making YOU bisexual!
Even lesbians and gays are not fully gay and lesbian: they’re bisexual! You’re all bisexual! No more alpha males or females! You’re all 50% gay!
I'm in bed most of the time, and make sure I get a day of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of diet coke and doing about zero minutes of stretching before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until afternoon. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up a few decades ago.
I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night.
list of items that you can get (determined randomly):
* Big Grin - Chance to Get 10%
* Alien Relic SMG - Chance to Get 5%
* Christmas Lights - Chance to Get 80%
* Creepy Clown Bandana - Chance to Get 42%
* Alien Red - Chance to Get 62%
* Freshly Dug Grave - Probability of receiving 45%
* Plate Carrier - Black - Chance to Get 5%
* Punishment Mask - Chance to Get 3%