<urgent intro music>

setting: INT FIRM LAW ROOM

A LAWYER stands next to a shelf with books. The books are very wide. They have eaten too many words.

LAWYER: Have you been hurt in an accidental car?
Has the government sold your lungs without asking nicely?
Are you Mesothelioma? Answer me!

The lawyer opens a briefcase. It's full of lemons, the justice fruit only lawyers may touch.

LAWYER(cont'd): If so, you can act entitled for money. I'll help.
I graduated from lawn school and all my teachers
were bitten by dogs.

Words scroll across the bottom of the screen slowly. These are cases the lawyer takes:

-UNFAIR STABBING,
-ILLEGAL SHOES,
-MUSIC TOO CANADIAN,
-SUE THE RAIN,
-DIVORCE YOUR TOILET,
-FAKE SONS.

LAWYER(cont'd): I have been a lawyer for over 35 weekends, and I'm currently
dating the bill of rights for fun.


We see the Bill of Rights. It's in love. The lawyer will break its heart. There's nothing we can do.

LAWYER(cont'd): Let me use it to send your aesbestos to court.
I will wear two suits and I promise to steal
the judge's gavel for you.

The Lawyer opens up the jacket of his first suit. Millions of gavels pour out. His promise holds worth.

LAWYER(cont'd): My clients never go to jail town.

We see his past clients, and their testimonials:

-A tornado.
-A tornado.
-A tornado.

LAWYER(cont'd): Remember, you don't pay any money unless
you pay us money. Call for a free use of
phone.

The phone digits appear. It's your social security number.

<solemn and compelling outro music>