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报告翻译问题

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I invited him to my house for a csgo lan party. He said he was coming so i was looking forward to meeting him in real life.
When he arrived at my house, he pushed me against the wall and started nibbling my ear, i felt his hard pen1s push against my leg. I punched him and then 1 tapped him. Turns out he was gay. Don't trust this guy
When opportunity knocks and he's not home, opportunity waits
He gave his father the talk.
He is, the most interesting man in the world.
He don't always drink beer. But when he do, he prefer Dos Equis
Stay thirsty my friends.
--ʜᴇʟᴇɴ ᴋᴇʟʟᴇʀ
ᴍᴀʏ ʏᴏᴜ sᴛᴀʀᴛ ᴛʜɪs ᴡᴇᴇᴋ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀ ᴡᴏɴᴅᴇʀғᴜʟ ᴅᴀʏ ᴍʏ ғʀɪᴇɴᴅ :)
║╚╝║══║═║═║╚╝║ ☆¸.•° •.¸☆
║╔╗║╔╗║╔╣╔╩╗╔╝ ★ NEW YEAR ☆
╚╝╚╩╝╚╩╝╚╝═╚╝
☆ ★ ☆¨`*•..¸ ¸.•*¨` ☆ ★ ☆
╭━━━╮╭━━━╮╱╭╮╱╭━━━╮
┃╭━╮┃┃╭━╮┃╭╯┃╱┃╭━╮┃
╰╯╭╯┃┃┃┃┃┃╰╮┃╱┃╰━╯┃
╭━╯╭╯┃┃┃┃┃╱┃┃╱╰━━╮┃
┃┃╰━╮┃╰━╯┃╭╯╰╮┃╰━╯┃
╰━━━╯╰━━━╯╰━━╯╰━━━╯
…….…………………….¸„-^"¯ :\_ / o '"*'"¯/' BARK BARK
……………………¸„„-^"¯ : : : : : : : : ¸„,-~"
**¯¯¯'^^~-„„„----~^*'"¯ : : : : : : : : : :¸-"
.:.:.:.:.„-^" : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :- THIS IS THE BARKING DOG WIENER
:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.: : : : : : : : : : ¸„-^¯
.::.:.:.:.:.:.:.:. : : : : : : : ¸„„-^¯ PUT THIS ON THE PROFILE OF 5 OTHER PEOPLE
:.' : : '\ : : : : : : : ;¸„„-~"¯ OR HE WILL BITE YOU
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"-„_::::_„-*__„„~"