You wake up early for today is a special day. Patch #23 will arrive this afternoon. You get out of bed with a big smile, it's been 7 years since the removal of chambers and swing manipulation in Patch #22 and you have high hopes for some more epic and fresh content.

You chew on a nutrient block and chug a glass of Baby Yoda Choccy Milk™ as Mordhau boots on your screen. Queuing into a 128 player lobby you are delighted to see that a match on the games newest map, Castello, has just started. A quick press of the tab key reveals the teams are horribly unbalanced. A blue stack of level 500s are curbstomping the poor level 300s on the Iron Company. Typical. Rumors are autobalance will arrive within the next 2 decades so you clench your jaw and scroll through 1300 unorganized loadouts to find your invasion main.

Atleast your connection is good today, only 260ms and 30% packetloss. This should be a breeze. Upon spawning you are immediately killed by an environmental trebuchet shot. Randomness is fun and you snort a line of coke in honor of the devs. Dodging the arrows of 16 longbow users you finally make it to the main action.

Your NVIDIA GEFORCE RTX 11090 and Intel i17 Quantum processor grants you a whopping 12 fps and you spend the next 6 hours cronching people whose ping is too high to act before their spawn protection ends. "♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, get good", you scoff to yourself as you are awarded 300 gold for topscoring with 1583 kills and 0 assists.

The time has come. You see that the devs in Discord are already banning people and sentencing them to 25 years of ♥♥♥♥ and ball torture in the South-Disney internment camps for using the clown emote in #mordhau_general. Patchie has finally arrived and your anticipation comes to a climax as you open up the patchnotes to see what the devs have been working on these last few years:

Weapons & Equipment

Firebomb cost increased from 18 to 22

Skins

Added cuirassier helmet and 26 different variations

The helmet is absolutely gorgeous, what a patch! You open Mordhau back up to look at it ingame. A tear rolls down your cheek as you realize you will have to spend the next 17 years grinding the same 3-4 invasion maps from 2019 to afford its price of 13 million gold.

You wipe the tear from your face and put on a strained smile.

"Atleast it's better than Chivalry 5."