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报告翻译问题

Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
I was doing laundry in my basement, and I tripped over a metal bar that wasn't there the moment before. I looked down: "Rail? WTF?" and then I saw concrete sleepers underneath and heard the rumbling.
Deafening railroad horn. I dumped my wife's pants, unfolded, and dove behind the water heater. It was a double-stacked Z train, headed east towards the fast single track of the BNSF Emporia Sub (Flint Hills). Majestic as hell: 75 mph, 6 units, distributed power: 4 ES44DC's pulling, and 2 Dash-9's pushing, all in run 8. Whole house smelled like diesel for a couple of hours!
Fact is, there is no way to discern which path a train will take, so you really have to be watchful. If only there were some way of knowing the routes trains travel.
Pardon for my inexcusably poor understanding of the Anglo-Frisian-Germanic language, and thus regional dialects, known by native speakers as "English". Indeed I do give my upmost effort to educate myself and better my understanding and thus comprehension of such an unusual yet widely used modern foreign language, but alas my efforts have so far encountered nothing but limited success. The combinations of both Latin and Germanic lexis have so far proved to be a serious tribulation for my progress.
However, I do not share such linguistic capabilities and expansive lexicon in my understanding of "English", so therefore I must once again profusely apologise for my such poor use of the vocabulary, Grammar and other such linguistic factors that one must consider in this context.
★˛˚˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.*.˛/\˚˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.*★Merry*★* 。*˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛°.°
˛°_██_*..。*./.♥.\ .˛* .˛。.˛.*.★* Christmas*★ 。*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛
˛. (´• ̮•´)*.。*/.♫.♫\*˛.* ˛_Π_____.♥ ♥ ˛*and˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛.°
.°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •\.˛*./______/ ~\*. ˛* Happy New Year!*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛
*(...'•'...) *˛╬╬╬╬╬╬° | 田 田|門|╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬
¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯` ´¯˜"*°´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯` 2019