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报告翻译问题

He grabbed me with his soggy fingers and said.. "Snap out of it, Man."
Then he proceeded to chant and walk in circles around me.
I looked down, My pants were still on fire, but by this time it had spread to my Uterus and three other ligaments. I was getting pretty agitated that no one seemed to care about my third degree burns, or my soon imminent death, but I went along with his plan still hoping he'd manage to save me through his voo-doo witchcraft.
After I came out of my trance from the fire I noticed that I was now in the kitchen of my grandma's house baking a cake..
I Screamed "WHAT THE F***?"
My Grandma ran in and slapped the s*** outta me for cursing.
Then she proceeded to say, "I swear if you talk like that 5 more times, I'll beat the living s*** outta you."
"
That's when they knew I was a goner.