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报告翻译问题

I invited him to my house for a csgo lan party. He said he was coming so i was looking forward to meeting him in real life.
When he arrived at my house, he pushed me against the wall and started nibbling my ear, i felt his hard pene push against my leg (it was massive btw). I punched him and then 1 tapped him. Turns out he was gay. Don't trust this guy.
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░░░░toucan░░░░░░▀▄░░░▐██████████████▄ ░░░░░░has░░░░░░░░▀▄▄████████████████▄ ░░░░░arrived░░░░░░░░░░░░█▀██████
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┃╰━╯┃╰━━╮┃┃┃┃╱┃┃┃╰━━╮┃┃╱╰┫┃╱┃┣╮╰╯╭╯
┃╭╮╭┫╭━━╯┃┃┃┃╱┃┃╰━━╮┃┃┃╭━┫╰━╯┃╰╮╭╯
┃┃┃╰┫╰━━┳╯╰╯┃╭┫┣┫╰━╯┃┃╰┻━┃╭━╮┃╱┃┃
╰╯╰━┻━━━┻━━━╯╰━━┻━━━╯╰━━━┻╯╱╰╯╱╰╯
sum of my skillz r listed below
- i can roll a blunt in da rain
- kount money faster than a bank teller
- disconnect a car stereo in 9 seconds
- 22 SPM (stabs per minute)
- got my probatin officer 2 fall in luv wit me
- school wasn 4 me but i went to lunch cuz it was free - can do a crazy dougie
-i know how to 2 run 3 blocks in 30 seconds with 2 32 inch flat screens in my hands
…….…………………….¸„-^"¯ :\_ / o '"*'"¯/' WOOF WOOF
……………………¸„„-^"¯ : : : : : : : : ¸„,-~"
**¯¯¯'^^~-„„„----~^*'"¯ : : : : : : : : : :¸-"
.:.:.:.:.„-^" : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :- GIVE THIS CUTE DOG
:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.: : : : : : : : : : ¸„-^¯ TO PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT
.::.:.:.:.:.:.:.:. : : : : : : : ¸„„-^¯
:.' : : '\ : : : : : : : ;¸„„-~"¯
:.:.:: :"-„""***/*'ì¸'¯
:.': : : : :"-„ : : :"\
.:.:.: : : : :" : : : : \,
:.: : : : : : : : : : : : 'Ì
: : : : : : :, : : : : : :/
"-„_::::_„-*__„„~"