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报告翻译问题

I invited him to my house for a csgo lan party. He said he was coming so i was looking forward to meeting him in real life.
When he arrived at my house, he pushed me against the wall and started nibbling my ear, i felt his hard ♥♥♥♥ push against my leg. I punched him and then 1 tapped him. Turns out he was gay. Don't trust this guy.
°*_██_*.。*/.*˛\ .˛* .˛。.˛.*.★**★ 。* . *☆҉
˛. (´• ̮•)*.. .*/♫.♫\*˛. * ˛_Π_____.♥*.*☆҉ ˛**. ˛*.。˛. *☆҉
.°( . • .) °../• '♫ ' •\.˛*./______/~\*. ˛*.。˛* ˛*.。˛* ˛. *☆҉
*(...'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.|田田 |門|╬╬╬╬╬*˚*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *☆
¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯` ´¯˜"*°´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°
[̲̲̅̅m̲̲̅̅e̲̲̅̅r̲̲̅̅r̲̲̅̅y̲̲̅̅ ̲̲̅̅C̲̲̅̅h̲̲̅̅r̲̲̅̅i̲̲̅̅s̲̲̅̅t̲̲̅̅m̲̲̅̅a̲̲̅̅s̲̲̅̅ ̲̲̅̅a̲̲̅̅n̲̲̅̅d̲̲̅̅ ̲̲̅̅a̲̲̅̅ ̲̲̅̅h̲̲̅̅a̲̲̅̅p̲̲̅̅p̲̲̅̅y̲̲̅̅ ̲̲̅̅n̲̲̅̅e̲̲̅̅w̲̲̅̅ ̲̲̅̅y̲̲̅̅e̲̲̅̅a̲̲̅̅r̲̲̅̅]
+rep because you are you
* . ' +:..:+ ' *
. * ☆☆☆ * Merry ' .
* ' +:...+....:+ Christmas
' ' ☆☆☆☆☆ * '
* * +:...:+@+:...:+ ' *
* . .☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ * ' * .
. +:..:+&+:...:+:...:+
* . ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ * ' *
' . +:...:+♡+:...:+§+:..:+
. * ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ ' *
.+:..:+♡+:..:+@+:..:+♡+:..:+
. . ▨ ' ' * *
. * . . '
,·´ ¸,·´`)
(¸,·´ (¸*♥Merry Christmas, wünscht dir André
░░░░░░▄▀▀▀▀░░░░░█▄▄░░░░
░░░░░░█░█░░░░░░░░░░▐░░░
░░░░░░▐▐░░░░░░░░░▄░▐░░░
░░░░░░█░░░░░░░░▄▀▀░▐░░░
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░░░█▄░░▀▄░░░░▄▀▐░█░░░░░
░░░█▐▀▀▀░▀▀▀▀░░▐░█░░░░░
░░▐█▐▄░░▀░░░░░░▐░█▄▄░░░
░░░▀▀░▄YOU ▄░░░▐▄▄▄▀░░░
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░
.........,•✯´.........´*✫
.......♥*................ __/\__
.......*♥............… ..*-:¦:-*
...¸.•✫.............……/.•*•.\
...~`,`~.................. |
¸....✫................... *•*
´¸...*♥..´¸...........*♥♫♥*
´¸¸♥*................✯•♫•♥•*
´¸.•✫ .............. *♥•♫•♫♥*
~`,`~............. ✯♥•♦♫♥•♥*.
`.✫`.............. *♥☺♥•♥•☺♥*.
●/................✯♥•♥♠♫♥#♥•♥*..
/▌................*♥♫•♥♫•♥♫♥•♫♥*
/ \....................... ╬╬╬╬
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
★˛˚˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.*.˛/\˚˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.*★Merry*★* 。*˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛°.°
˛°_██_*..。*./.♥.\ .˛* .˛。.˛.*.★* Christmas*★ 。*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛
˛. (´• ̮•´)*.。*/.♫.♫\*˛.* ˛_Π_____.♥ ♥ ˛*and˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛°.˛*.˛°˛.°
.°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •\.˛*./______/ ~\*. ˛* Happy New Year!*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛
*(...'•'...) *˛╬╬╬╬╬╬° | 田 田|門|╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬
¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯` ´¯˜"*°´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
0 Back: Juhanam for you 🚫†✡🚫
3 back: you're off the martyr list☁️💦
5 back: you have pleased Allah greatly☪💦
10+ back: JANAHﷲ!ﷲ!💕💕☪👅👅
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
dass die von Ihnen bestellte Gummipuppe,
Model "Stumme Ursel 70+" (mit
Krampfadernachbildung und extra
Beinbehaarung) leider nicht mehr
lieferbar ist.
Die Produktion wurde leider Mangels
Nachfrage eingestellt.
Die restliche Bestellung von 16
Analvibratoren, Gleitmittel, die
DVD-Kollektionen "SHE-MALE´s" und
"Opa - Nicht nur das Bein ist
steif!" werden wir selbstverständlich
zu Ihrer vollsten Zufriedenheit ausführen.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Ihr Beate-Uhse-Team