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报告翻译问题

If you are any of the following; Angry that you just got destroyed in car soccer, angry that you've been one tapped in csgo and have called hacks in local CS comms to your teammates followed by, "I'm checking his profile", or inevitably outplayed in rainbow six siege, please consider the next following steps.
STEP 1: Get comfortable and lay on your side.
STEP 2: Take your opinion and place it gently in your left hand.
STEP 3: Use the tears that are streaming down your face from anger and use that to lubricate your opinion.
STEP 4: Place it firmly up your ass.
Thank you for following this comprehensive guide,
Have a great day. -Scotty