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报告翻译问题

Well done everyone!
you need to go onto ebay and buy a pill shaver, then shave all the pills from your favorite clothes, then people will respect you for your clean, un-pilled up clothes and they wont care about the cleaver in ur ass anymore
I took a ♥♥♥♥ and it got all dried and caught in my ass hairs and then i wanted to get it out but i didnt have scissors so i used a cleaver and i accidentily stuck it up my ass! What do i do?!