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报告翻译问题

My anus was on fire, so I called the police. So after 2 days they said: "Thank you, you pathetic moron". I said is there anything I can do for you kind pillars of our society, and they said: "Yes, we will help you with the picture you can't make". I said thanks and then they left.
Y U NO MAKE COCO ADMIN!?
*cries* POTAOTE CANT PLAY TF2 OR GMOD WITH ME CUZ HE LAGS TOO MUCH
WE WERE GONNA PLAY DONT STARVE AND UNTURNED BUT HE LAGS
WE HAVE ALL OUR PROFILE PIC COLORS ON IT AND ALL OUR LOGOS
:OOOOAOOO00O0O0O0OOOOOO iamgai 00O0OOOOO0O0O
#TransFormers4
Tell me what you want!
I can take no for an answer
I'LL MAKE ONE AGAIN
I'll make progress now