That one is offensive. Please delete your chuck norris comments. We in Chuck Norris cults don't like it.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

When Nature Calls... Chuck Norris Hangs Up!

"I be all 'AWP' in yo' Face"

AWP name: "Stop the puns?"
"But we're just getting warmed AWP!"

Dad: Don't come home me and your mom are getting it on tonight.
Son: HAHAHAH gotta hate the autocorrect, right?
Dad: What do you mean.
Son: You made a typo right... look at your last text.
Dad: No, I did not make a typo.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
-Sums up my life

Dad: God Morning son.
Come downstairs, I have to talk about sex.
Son: What do you need to know.

I wanna name my Strange Prof Ks AWP like this:
"I wish this was Counter-Strike"
"My aim is globally offensive."

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
-sums up me and Overheated Planet when i help him.....

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.

Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Feminist: The glass is being raped.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Adolf Hitler killed over 10 Million people and only died once.
-Best Player in the world

Heated:༼ ºل͜º ༽ºل͜º ༽ºل͜º ༽ ＥＶＥＲＹＯＮＥ，ＧＥＴ ＩＮ ＨＥＲＥ ༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º ༽

Me: ༼ ºل͜º ༽YOU, GET IN HERE༼ ºل͜º ༽

Agreed.

IQ of people sometimes is under 21.
-John Cena 2016